Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Last Chance Saloon - Review:- 14.04.2014

I think it was The Who who asked the rhetorical question, "Why should I care?"


Complete with a very young Phil Daniels, who played Dean Wicks's beleagured father.

So why should I care about Lucy Beale's death? Why should I care about the Mitchells now that Peggy isn't coming back and they're left to the machinations of Roswell Ronnie?


Why should I care about something that is supposed to be the BBC's flagship show, when the one brain-celled intern maintaining EastEnders' official Facebook page neither knows the history of the central family on the show nor basic English grammar?

Under a picture of Ian sitting in front of Bobby and Hairy CindyBoy the Greek, who were doing their best at pantomime crying, the caption posed was this (and I write it as it was written and posted by whatever EastEnders' intern) ...

Ian tells the younger Beales that THEY'RE sister Lucy has died.

I kid you not. This is the person charged with maintaining EastEnders' social media pages. First of all, CindyBoy isn't a Beale, not even a younger Beale. In fact, I seriously doubt she's a girl. And secondly, the possessive plural pronoun is their. This is the sort of glaring semi-literate shite the Millennials pull and then whine when their grammar is corrected ... Oh, don't pick on me, I'm only eighteen years old.

EastEnders ... a show written for Millennials by Millennials about Millennials.

 Good-Carter-Bad-Carter-Good-Carter-Bad-Carter-Good-Carter-Bad-Carter-WICKS!


The success of last night's episode was all down to some of the Carters and Dean, although the graduated returns of former characters by way of the duff-duff theme is growing boring and old fast, thanks to the Stacey treatment. Dean is not Stacey, although I would stake my kids' lives on the fact that before the year is out Dean and Stacey are a couple. Yuck. How to ruin a decent character fast, and I'm not talking about Stacey.

The most interesting thing about this episode was the Mick-Stan-Lee dynamic, indeed the curious incidents wherein Stan's grandsons saw fit to approach him before they did their respective parents. Lee, indeed, may have had some knowledge of Stan from his youth, but how did Dean find him?

Dean's backstory is simply this: Shirley cheated on Kevin, her husband (again), got pregnant with Dean, had the baby and left Kevin holding him, along with toddler Carly (the result of another one night stand) and their own disabled son James. Dean never knew his mother until he was in his late teens. Knowing now Shirley's total hatred for her old man, I'd be surprised if Stan met any of her children. If Dean saw Stan at all, it was when Dean was a baby, as I can't imagine Kevin keeping in touch with Shirley's family after she disappeared from their lives. So how does Dean know, and indeed, how did he find Stan?

I suppose that story's yet to come.

I like Lee Carter. I like that he's level-headed, compassionate and has common sense. I'm looking forward to knowing why at least two of Stan's children hate him so much. I'd hazard a guess that Mick was heavily influenced by the Scrote regarding Stan, and that Stan's actually not the ogre he seems to be. Tonight, he referenced not "being there" for Mick when he was a kid growing up. Stan was supposedly a fishmonger at Billingsgate, which meant long days. He's also from another era in British culture, that of repression and the classic stiff upper lip. Before I make any judgement on Stan, I want to hear what Sylvie has to say about what went on in their household, but I did like how Lee handed Mick his arse, but with respect, concerning Stan and his obvious (or their imagined) health concerns. 

Bottom line is that Mick is bothered more about why his son approached his grandfather with his problems instead of his own parents, and he's using this jealousy as a further stick with which to beat Stan. Yes, it took Mick to remind Lee that Lee was his son, but it took Lee to remind Mick that Stan was his father.


Mick needs to free himself from Shirley's psychological yoke and see Stan with his own eyes. That spiel he gave Linda in the cellar about Stan dividing families and setting one against the other was all Shirley-talk. If anyone's dividing and conquering that family, it's Shirley, who's stinking up the place along with Tina. Another thing I hate about that dynamic is how Shirley's managed to sideline Linda to the point that Mick mostly defers to her judgement now, instead of his wife's. I hated the way Shirley casually appropriated the bacon sarnie Linda had made for Lee. It reminded me of her baiting of Dennis Rickman and how she grabbed his toast from his hand at the B and B. OK, Lee's a grown man, but this was done more to spite Linda than anything else. I also don't like the way TPTB have now written Linda as being incapable of equally loving her children, how each time one of them doesn't live up to her ideal, she shoves them aside and blanks them. Now, it seems that Nancy and Johnny are being pushed aside for Lee, and Linda has the perfect excuse - he's home on leave from the Army, but on another level, Lee's the one child who, in Linda's mind, still lives up to her ideal. But for how long?

Timothy West continues to deliver, and Danny Dyer and Danny-Boy Hatchard measure his performance. I'm just unable to abide that miserable, vindictive old scrote Shirley, whose bullying personality pervaded the piece tonight in the few lines she had - demanding Stan be sent home in a taxi, literally threatening Aleks, assuming the worst about the market decision.

In fact, Stan had the most intriguing line of the night to Mick:-

Shirley leaving her kids had nothing to do with me.

Well, I want to know what did.


One final word about Dean. I've long lobbied for his return, mostly on the strength of this final scene from his last stint ...


He only said a few words last night, but his look and his entire demeanor, including the timbre of his voice indicated that this is a darker, more mature character returning. I don't want any cosy reunions and forgiveness for the Scrote. I want him to show her exactly what her selfish, bitter and twisted actions have produced. I don't want him to accept any excuses made for having a bad dad or a monster mummy. I want the Scrote to reap what she has sown, and if Dean can make her suffer, good. I'm all in. Even the darker, subdued lighting in the pub seem to foreshadow Dean's dark return.

This is the only thing I'm looking forward to with Janine's departure, because I certainly don't give a rat's arse about Lucy.

The New Kids in Town.


Boy, TPTB are really doing a Pauline Fowler-pops-her-clogs on Bianca early on! Her previous two episodes have seen her roundly and justifiably (in the case of Terry) attacked for her selfishness and self-obsession, but last night's episode preyed upon her utter, abject ignorance and prejudices.

When she and Kat spied Donna, the new disabled character playing a market trader from the heretofore unmentioned Spring Lane, Bianca pointed to Donna and remarked to Kat ...

'Ere, Tiff 'ad one of vem as a teacher once.

One of them? Really, Bianca? As if you're so perfect. Still, we all can't be village idiots, but a fair few of Walford's finest attempted that feat last night. I actually like Donna. I liked her abrasiveness, especially the way she dished the shit right back at Kat and Bianca. She's going to be interesting to watch, unlike the creepy, condescending Adam Best, DTC's last and unlikeable disabled creation during his last tenure.

Line of the night goes to Donna ...

It ain't me who's wearin' tat, darlin'.

However,  I didn't like the way the posse, spurred on by inaccurate gossip from Denise, rounded on Aleks in the pub. That's mob mentality, and I wonder what would have happened if his news had been the opposite of what it was. He lobbied for Bridge Street. I like Aleks. He's a lone wolf character who doesn't give a rat's arse about anyone else, and I think he's a positive character and a chancer. I want to know what sort of "arrangement" he has with Alfie, however.

As an original fan of Kat and Alfie, I hope after she has the twins, they find an opportunity to emigrate to Australia and go into business with the unlikely couple of Spencer and Vicki. I think the couple have had their day.

Die, Already!


I'm having a difficult time investing in Lucy's last week. We were presented tonight with the first red herring in her fall in Max's office. This one, TPTB got right. A person's head is a criss-cross of tiny veins, which means when you have the slightest scrape can bleed like a stuck pig, looking worse than what it is. Lucy tripped over a chair and fell onto the carpeted floor of Max's office and got a cut scalp; Lola got knocked over the bonnet of a car and fell hard onto tarmac, hitting her head; yet there was no blood and no bruising. 

It's obvious that TPTB are building an aftermath were Ian will beat himself with guilt over indirectly causing Lucy's death from being a "bad father." Ian has always been a bad father, but in the wrong way. Unlike Max, who always put himself and his needs before those of his children, Ian - as David pointed out weeks ago - always put his family first. OK, he did it in the wrong way, throwing money at his children and getting them anything they want just to a peaceful life, so he could proceed building his empire. Now, it seems that TPTB are intent on showing Ian as selfish, tactless and uncaring, totally self-absorbed with himself and his business. The dilemma tonight regarding the presence of both Denise and Jane in the "family" picture and the outcome of that had an almost subliminal meaning, akin to what what hinted at in the Christmas present of an oven glove Ian gave to Denise at Christmas.

The restaurant is billed as a family restaurant, and Jane is supposed to be a silent partner. Even though she's Bobby's adoptive mother, she showed little interest in the boy when she left him behind in Walford to pursue a new career, and a few months ago, she effectively removed herself from the Beale family dynamic, when Peter summoned her to Walford to help in what he perceived to be a crisis of confidence for Ian. What was the purpose of that photo? None of Ian's children nor his non-paying lodger, Cindy, are remotely interested in working in or supporting this venture. But if there had to be a family photo, then, it should have only included Ian, Lucy, Peter and Bobby. Denise was right: Ian has no wife at the moment.

And, no, Cindy, you're not a part of the Beale family. You're only related to the twins through your mother, whom none of you remember. It was incongruent of Lucy to reference the "bad" mother she doesn't remember, whilst proceeding to trash-mouth the father who brought her up, loved her and protected her. And it must be difficult for Denise to live in the Beale abode with that smiling picture of Jane adorning the mantlepiece in the front room.

So what was the point of the final scene in the pub with Lucy lifting Ian's credit card as revenge for him not falling head over heels to praise her business nous? Who in their right mind on a district council would trust two girls, barely out of their teens, dressed in matching outfits like the Cheeky Girls, and fronting a business less than a month old and operated from the front room of a private residence?

Lucy's death can't come quick enough.

Mum's Net.


Oh, Ronnie ... not a very productive day. Roxy's going through another mini-epiphany, recognising Ronnie's controlling obsession. Roxy thinks Ronnie's sabotaging of every relationship Roxy has is based on jealousy. It's based on something far more sinister. Lola smells something rotten, and her fear of Ronnie is palpable, even closing the bedroom door to protect Lexi from her presence. I wonder if she'll confide her fears in Peter. because Billy is so enamoured of the Mitchell mystique and his desire to be a fully-made man Mitchell (to use a mafia term), that he'd sign over custody of Lola and Lexi to Ronnie, if that meant he'd be recognised as a Mitchell with a capital M.

Lola smells something about Ronnie, and it's not the scent of expensive French perfume.

Lola needs to take Lexi and run.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Mommy Dearest - Review:- 11.04.2014

Let's hear it ...


We need banging upside the head, especially the Millennials, some of whom thought this episode was brilliant. Various Carters aside, and the duff-duff at the end, it was shit worthy of Newman.

WonderBoy Shits on the Show's Traditions.


Dominic Treadwell-Collins embodies the philosophy of the Millennials - if something happened before he was born or before he could remember, it didn't resonate with him. It had no significance. He must have been an absolute horror in a history class, all smug Little King self-satisfaction, giving the teacher disdainful looks because he knew that history means little to such self-important narcissists as he.

And thus, we have a gaggle of plot-driven shit served up on a plate for EastEnders at the public's remit.

What amuses me is that various Millennials on various fora exhibit their total inability to think critically by pointing out that Sonia told Bianca some much-needed home truths on Friday night.

Well, yes, she did, and she had to get drunk to do it, but here's something on a different level. 

Everything of which Sonia accused Bianca, Sonia is guilty of, herself ... and this was blatantly shown in this episode.

Did Wonderboy want to show it thus? I think, subliminally, he probably did, but I also think he realises that the bulk of people watching the show at the moment have only watched seriously since 2006, are Millennials, exhibit traits of the typical spoiled brat (even though they may be in their twenties), and can't think properly ... so what the hell, let's character assassinate not one, but two established characters (and from the same family) and be done with it.

Bianca's been ruined for years, thanks to Santer the Organ Grinder and his Monkey DTC. They established the rot, and Bryan Kirkwood fermented it. Knowing what we know now about Patsy Palmer's departure, I'm wondering how long ago WonderBoy found out about it, because this week, Bianca's scenes had the distinct putrid aroma of the character assassination done by Kate Harwood on her great-aunt Pauline Fowler.

Sonia is supposed to be a nurse, a medical professional. She, more then Carol and Bianca put together, would have understood the prime implication of her being found to have the BRCA2 gene - that she is more apt to contract cancer, depending on the type of lifestyle she leads.

This doesn't mean she is going to get cancer. It does mean that she's entitled to and will receive extensive counselling and health monitoring, usually on a three-monthly basis, in order that the incipience of any abnormal cell growth (i.e., cancer) can be nipped in the bud. It's called preventitive healthcare, and it does NOT include the removal of any healthy organs. If Max is diagnosed with the gene and contracts prostrate cancer, is he going to have his dick whacked off?

But here we have Honker. There, I said it ... HONKER HONKER HONKER HONKER HONKER ... would all you priggish little children like to hear it?


Here we have Honker, wafting about the cafe, where she's come to do Carol's shift whilst Carol is bopping and bullying about the Square, with news that her tumour has shrunken a bit, unceremoniously dumping her ugly hairy daughter on the Butcher/Beale/Jackson abode, declaring that Hairy Rebecca can babysit Tiffany and Morgan Le Fat. Er ... Hairy Rebecca is only thirteen years old. Isn't there something ... hmmmmm ... not quite right about leaving a thirteen year-old in charge of children all the day? 

Ah, here we go ... and straight from the BBC, itself:-

There is no minimum age at which children in the UK can be left on their own, nor do laws specify how old someone needs to be to babysit. However, if the babysitter is under 16, then the parent remains legally responsible for the child's safety.
And, under the Children and Young Persons Act parents in England and Wales can be prosecuted for wilful neglect if they leave a child unsupervised "in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health". Punishment ranges from a fine to 10 years' imprisonment. Similar legislation is in force in Scotland and Northern Ireland.
Without legally specified ages to guide them, parents may be left scratching their heads over this grey area.
But children's charity, the NSPCC, advises that children under 13 should not be left at home alone for long periods and children under 16 should not be put in charge of younger children.
But that won't matter for WonderBoy, because the plot calls for it.

Anyhoo, isn't that a bit .... mmmmmmmmm ... selfish of Honker? Especially since later, she informs Bianca that Hairy Rebecca is going to stay for dinner whilst, she, Honker nips out for a drink with her new-found BFF, Tina, the resident thief, and Court Jester to the new Royal Family of Walford ...


They even shared a cuddle in the caff because Honker wailed out the first of what will become her standard pity cries ...

Ah got the geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene!

Of course, and then we got the ubiquitous, throwaway line about getting her boobs whacked off. Dude, please.

Fast forward to the Vic, where Sonia threw herself the mother of all pity parties tonight, complete with a drinks session courtesy of drinks purloined by her new BFF Tina, who thinks nothing of stealing from her brother and his wife. Sonia spent the evening trash-talking Martin to the vile court jester and bonding over the fact that Tosh has a temper and Martin offends Sonia by burping at the table. Well, maybe Sonia offends Martin by her constant mouth-breathing and her self-righteousness. Sonia treated Martin like a steaming pile of shit, and I can still recall that scene where she told him how his working class ways disgusted her, yet he took her back unquestioningly and left his home for this ungrateful, rude and sanctimonious little bee-yatch. Yep, Bianca's selfish, but what the hell was Sonia when she stumbled through the door of someone else's house, rat-arsed and shouting the odds, without a care for her own child.

Sonia the Martyr - working all day in a hospital, then doing Mummy's shift at the cafe. No wonder she doesn't see her husband, who's only "just learned to take the garbage out." FFS, this is Martin Fowler, the son of Pauline and Arthur, the grandson of Lou, the first child born on the programme and the unborn subject of one of the earliest storylines. Yet he's painted, off-screen, into an uncaring lout, as much as his cousin, Peter Beale has evolved, under this producer, as a snobbish, bullying oaf. And for WHAT? For Sonia, who - as an adult -was one of the most unlikeable, self-righteous and judgemental characters on the show and for Lola, an all-of-a-sudden addition to the Mitchell family who hasn't been on the show except for a couple of years? So much for respecting the show's history and traditions - all lip service and nothing else. 

Sonia is the patron saint of Self-Pityers and Self-Righteous Bitches, and in her own way, she's just as selfish and self-obsessed with herself and her self-importance as Bianca. During her marriage to Martin, she treated him like shit, and did I hear correctly Bianca referring to "other women" in her warn-off to the insipid, amoral Tina? Is this a retcon or something the viewers don't know about?

Because Sonia's only same-sex encounter came with her affair with Gnomi, the ugly nurse who pursued her through nursing school, the one who was part and parcel of those snooty group of friends who made fun of Martin as a barrow boy the night he went out with them. It was after that session that Sonia told Martin how much he disgusted her and how ashamed she was of him because he had no qualifications. That's when she walked out of the Fowler home, and away from her hairy daughter, and went to live with Gnomi in Minty's and Garry's flat ... until she decided she really wasn't a lesbian and started smarming Martin for forgiveness again.

So if there have been other "women," what does that mean? If she cheated on Martin in Manchester with other girls, then what right does she have to take the moral high ground when he played away and leave him, taking their daughter? We know she was hot up to fuck Phil Mitchell the day Ricky and Bianca re-married? (Phil almost puked at the sight).

If she messed around with other women when she and hairy Rebecca were living in Southend, away from Martin, then she's no better than he is. In fact, she's worse, because she was still married to him.

Anyway, with this information, Bianca's given Tina the Shithead all the ammunition she needs to move in on Sonia. It was on the cards for these two to get together, and those of us who still watch the show and who can think critically recall that Sonia was at her most unlikeable when she was in her lezza phase. So, off with the boobs and out with the ovaries and she can become Tina's asexual bitch.

Natalie Cassidy and the hairy female equivalent of Cousin Itt with the guitar can bugger off.

I want Natalie Cassidy to leave along with Patsy Palmer. I'm sick of Cassidy's party piece of looking tragic, and her performance as a drunk tonight was piss poor. Sonia's an annoying character, and Cassidy is an annoying actor. I'd almost rather they brought Robbie and his wife and kids back from India and binned Sonia and her silent daughter off someplace.

And if I ever hear the line I'm your sister, I want to protect you again, I'll scream.


The Ronnie Horror Picture Show.


Ronnie now has a new obsession - Danielle-Lola, and the nurse's remarks to Lola in her last scene has really given Lola pause for thought - Ronnie, whom the nurse thought was Lola's mum,is never going to let Lola out of her sight. She's acquired another blonde Mitchell whom she deems vulnerable and whom she'll try to protect.

Once again, Shirley's shoehorned into this storyline, being first on the scene of the accident with a mobile, phoning the ambulance. And once again, Sharon is sidelined almost out of existence. She's the unseen babysitter, who's charged with caring for Lexi (Phil and DTC have obviously conveniently forgotten that Phil threw Sharon out onto the street for daring to pop pills whilst babysitting the sprog). And she's also babysitting NuAmy, and probably Denny too, as he's her son. So she's little more than the Mitchells' unpaid nanny, but where the hell was she? She lives with Phil in that tardis house? Phil told Lola Sharon was watching Lexi, Roxy found out that Amy was with Sharon too, but where? She wasn't at the house and it was evening. Surely she didn't have them all three safely ensconced in the rabbit-hutch office of The Albert?

Ronnie got her rocks off being mistaken for Lola's mother, and Lola jokingly calling her "mum" has only added fodder to the fire. I think Lola began to realise this and sought to fend it off, when she feigned sleepiness and asked Ronnie to leave, but the penny dropped big time when the nurse made her remark. Lola is pretty astute when it comes to judging people, and she would have noticed Ronnie's behaviour around Roxy.

Another contrivance was Roxy calling Aleks, thus resulting in a chance encounter on the Mitchell sofa and the ubiquitous shirtless scene with Roxy accidentally spilling wine on Aleks's shirt. Really, who, when someone spills something on your shirt, removes it there and then, especially when that person only stopped by to deposit Roxy and to see that she was all right? Aleks lives down the street. A five-minute walk to his house wouldn't have taxed him. Instead, we get the ubiquitous shirtless scene, which seems to have become a stock scene on the show now, but for whom? For the audience of giggly teenaged girls who didn't show up in record numbers for Tyler, Joey or even Dexter stripping down or for DTC, himself? Is Aleks added to his growing list of male crushes?


Notice how Ronnie panics when she loses control of her object of desire - shouting after Roxy that Aleks was "using" her. That should raise alarm bells in Roxy's head, and I hope Aleks tells her what Ronnie's been up to. To Roxy, hearing that would only mean that Ronnie was, once again, trying to interfere. Instead, with Roxy dashing off with Aleks "to finish what she started," means Ronnie now uses - Ronnie uses Charlie Cotton in order to release the enormous amount of sexual energy repressed and pent up because she can't really release it on Roxy.

And notice how Roxy's priorities don't lie with Amy. Amy is God-knows-where with Sharon, but instead of retrieving her child, Roxy rushes off to finish fucking Aleks.

Psychopaths have high libidos and use sex as a means of control. Yes, Ronnie, Charlie - if, indeed that is his name - is Old Bill, and he's been plopped into your storyline for a reason. 


The Wanderer.



The episode's saving graces were Mick, Lee, the brilliant Stan and the long-awaited appearance of Dean with the duff-duff - far, far better for me than the useless Stacey. Here is a character who started his journey on the show a boy without a care in the world, slightly annoying, but who left a broken and bitter character, having served time in prison and even intimated that he was beaten and raped. Now he comes back a man -and Matt di Angelo, written off all those years ago, has matured into a good young actor. I'm looking forward to his tenure this time around, and I hope he drags his scrote of a mother through the mire.

The only worrying aspects of his return for me is the inevitability of the show becoming Shirley-centric, and I think that could lose the show a fair amount of viewers. I mean, where is this fabled bar of Sharon's and her returning to her glory days? Sacrificed at the altar of Saint Shirley. I'm all for exploring the reasons behind Shirley abandoning her children, but not with her part and parcel of the centrepiece of the show. Shirley doesn't deserve the Vic. She's done nothing positive since her arrival, and she's an appallingly divisive character. My second worry is entertwined with the third. 

I've already noticed how significantly sidelined Linda is becoming as a character, above all how she's being presented as a negative parenting force to Mick's positive one. Linda holds her children on idealised pedestals, and when they fall from her self-imposed esteem, she blanks them mercilessly. She's already the object of ridicule by her daughter, and Mick listens more to his feckless alcoholic sister than to his wife. How long before Linda seeks comfort and solace elsewhere and is exiled from the Carter fold by Queen Shirley? And thus will begin the exodus of Carters, because Danny Dyer is only good until a coveted film role comes along. This tenure was done for one purpose only in Dyer's mind - expanding his repertoire. He's playing against type and showing other producers etc that he can play the nice guy. The remark about Downton Abbey wasn't made in jest, and this brings about my second fear - that the Carters (Mick, Linda and the kids) are a smokescreen for a couple of years down the road with Shirley and Dean, another tiger mum and her dysfunctional son tied to the apronstrings of the Vic as landlords.

The third fear is that Stacey will be married to Dean.
Throughout that final conversation between Mick and Shirley, it was so over-laden with foreshadowing - He's your boy ... you miss him ... he's your son - that you knew, you felt that Dean would make an appearance in the final duff-duff. People say EastEnders doesn't do subtlety. Correction: EastEnders 2.0 doesn't do subtlety, but EastEnders of old did it and did it brilliantly - but there's such a thing as not doing subtlety and being as subtle as the proverbial brick, which was that last scene was all about.

Welcome home, Dean. I hope you give your scrotey mother hell! She deserves it.



Friday, April 11, 2014

Newman's Ghost - Review:- 10.04.2014


I wonder if EgoBoy feels he's being haunted, haunted by the ghost of Lorraine Newman, lurking around every corner and in every nook and cranny in Elstree. He must feel this way. Does he wake, shivering in his bed at night, to the vision of Newman standing at its foot, grinning malevolently with fire-and-brimstone eyes and mouthing the mantra, "Love-and-warmth-love-and-warmth" and "shit-storylines-shit-storylines"?

He must. He simply must, because the only thing consistent about Treadwell-Collins's EastEnders, since February at least, is that if you took his name off the credits, there isn't one iota of difference in his EastEnders and that of the much-reviled Lorraine Newman - with the possible exception of Daran Little.

The fanbois praise the current version of EastEnders for one reason and one reason only - the initials DTC, or "Dom" as one infamous fanboi fondly and familiarly refers to him. Seriously, take the name off the credits, and take the good Carters out of the equation, and you have Newman, all over again.

Same shit, different day.

Psycho ... Again.


Here's a suggestion: EgoBoy ... or "Dom" should have the opening riffs of "Psycho Killer" played as the Botoxed features of the vinegar-faced alien resident psychopath makes her usual understated entrance.

You know ... just to remind those people who still get excited and cream their knickers or their boxies or their nappies or whatever at the sight of Ronnie's sour lips and wide hips traipsing across the Square, that this woman is not a victim, that she was not justified in what she did, and that she is not a nice person. She is a cold, manipulative and cruel psychopath, sexually obsessed by her sister and possessive in the most sinister way of both her and her niece.

Anyone who enjoys everything Ronnie does or, indeed, everything Michael Moon did should high-arse it right away to your GP and ask to be sectioned.

What baffles me is Roxy, who does, indeed, have some sort of conscience, or did in the past. Is she that fucking infantile and - I'll say it - retarded that she's blithely forgotten that her sister killed a man in cold blood on the promise of a new house and various trips "up West" to shop? I knew Roxy was shallow, but I didn't think she was that amoral.

Watching the psychopath murderer strutting her stuff in the Square, manipulating her thirty-six year-old sister is creepy. I thought lairy Jake with his massive tongue leering at Lauren was the worst kind of creepiness. Watching Ronnie's psycho-sexual obsession with her younger sister is worse still. Yeah, right, Ronnie. Roxy is a woman who needs looking after by her sister, that same sister who interferes in Roxy's private life to the extent that she destroys any chance of adult happiness she might have, and then convinces her that only she, Ronnie, can pick up the pieces and kiss it better. Roxy's having a problem at the Tube station, so Ronnie has to rock up whilst getting her rocks off at the thought of rescuing Roxy. This scenario made for the climax of the episode, as well as one of the worst stunts ever engineered by EastEnders, and a smack in the smug face of Dominic Treadwell-Collins for the giggling, little liar that he is for re-hashing plots.

Travelling at a speed of some 10 mph, whilst talking on the phone to her own personal damsel in distress, Roxy, Ronnie hits Lola - not only runs down and runs over her, but does it in the same spot where Janine hit that dumb fuck, Danielle, standing there staring at Janine like a dimwit deer in the headlights.

Stay with me ... do you see where this is going?  Remember this?



Now Ronnie has a new obsession - Danielle Lola. She's blonde, she's dim, and she's a Mitchell. She even has a daughter - and don't forget that Ronnie went with Danielle, unbeknownst that Danielle was who she was, in order for Danielle to get an abortion. Roxy ... NuAmy ... Lola ... Ronnie's building a bevy of blonde Mitchells to protect from men who'll only mess them about. Speaking of which ...

So the plan of action was one date with Aleks to make Roxy feel better, then have Aleks dump her, in order to make her feel bad and blame herself, so Ronnie can work her magic. That magic is to hand Ronnie a wad of money and tell her to buy something to make herself feel better, much the same way you'd do a child, or buy a present. Then you promise them a treat - for Roxy, she gets a night out on the town with Ronnie. Whoop-de-doo!

Aleks read exactly what Ronnie was, and I shudder to think what she said she'd do to him, or what her look said she'd do to him when he tried to stand up for her. He knows, at least, that she's capable of getting someone (in another case, him), to beat the shit out of him if he went against her wishes. One of the things we did hear Ronnie tell Aleks is that she didn't want him "messing her sister about." But Aleks had no intention of doing that. He genuinely liked Roxy, but he genuinely fears Ronnie.

What happens now? My guess is that Roxy, in a move to "have fun" (as she says), latches onto Jake. (After all, Ronnie will be busy mothering Lola.)  Ronnie isn't controlling that, and Jake's a loose cannon. This can only end in one way, and I'm calling that Jake Stone will leave in a box.

Roxy thinks no one likes her. Ronnie assures her that they do. Ronnie certainly does. Just remember that psychopaths are obsessives and control freaks. Now think of Archie and remember what the ultimate and pejorative act of control is.

Still haven't got a clue, Millennials? Awwww, it's terrible to see things only in black and white, ain't it? Here's the word: The ultimate, most terrible and pejorative act of control is rape. It's why new inmates fear the showers in prison. Archie raping Ronnie wasn't about him being a paedophile. It was about control. He was a psychopath with an obsession about his oldest daughter, whom he sought to control. Ronnie is a psychopath obsessed with her younger sister whom she seeks to control. The fanbois will scream and shout at me - they know so much more than I and they're barely out of their teens - but if we had an executive producer brave enough to push the limits, the Mitchell Blisters would go out in a storyline where Ronnie rapes Roxy and Roxy kills her. But that will never happen. TPTB simply aren't brave enough, and besides, they don't want to rile and upset the Ronnie Brigade of demented fanbois and cheerleaders. But ...

There's a reason Ronnie's going to get involved with Charlie Cotton, or whoever he is, a policeman.

Oh, andI see they're still carrying NuAmy around the same way they carried MuteAmy. This one talks, and the dialogue they've given her was contrived in its foreshadowing. But the final scene was beyond repair. I predict that now the psychopathic murderer swanning about the streets of Walford will seek to build upon her army of vulnerable blonde women and girls, whom it behooves her to control and protect. Her promise to NuAmy to protect Roxy and NuAmy was one of the eeriest, coldest, evilest and most sinisterly spoken lines of late in the show.

Mr Passive-Aggressive.



I don't like what DTC is doing to Peter Beale, turning him into a controlling, socially gauche snob, looking down his nose at Lola's choice of career. This is something Peter would never do, especially since he works on a market stall, himself. Before DTC took over, Peter was one of the most mature, responsible and astute young persons on the show. Since this producer has come on the scene, Peter's been incredibly side-lined to the point of non-existence, and when he does appear, it's to make Lola uncomfortable. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Peter accidentally or otherwise killed his twin and then got carted off to prison or whatever. Since this producer seems to be systematically ridding the show of all of Kirkwood's/Newman's castings, either by axing them directly or sidelining them into non-existence. Lola's OK. After all, she's a Mitchell (and we know how fond DTC is of peroxided Mitchell women) and the mother of the Mitchell heiress.

Bringing Jay, another of his creations the first time around, into a relationship with Lola would cement him even more into the Mitchell fold. Someone elsewhere said Jay was a nice guy who's being made to look like a prat. Jay has always had that element of prattishness about him - from the time he called Yolande a racist name, to the way he acted out against Dawn in the wake of Jase's death, to the way he embraced his life as a pseudo-Mitchell, strutting the streets, demanding respect, breaking into the Vic to impress Abi. He's only ever paid lip service to Abi's ambitions, always assuming that she'd choose a life with him over any academic or professional qualifications. And that is a great disrespect to Abi.

Peter actually elevates Lola. He's encouraging her, wanting her to do better with her life. Instead, she'd rather poke about Walford, doing women's nails for cash-in-hand, paying no taxes, but reaping the benefits taxpayers pay for her. When Sadie closed the Salon, she whined because the nearest apprenticeship was in Mitcham in Southwest London. Bullshit! Besides, if Lola isn't interested in what Peter's suggesting, why doesn't she suggest that she look at professional hairdressing qualifications at a college, because ... what's wrong with going to college?

Jay, on the other hand, is attracted to Lola because she disdains academic qualifications and ambition as much as Abi embraces it. Remember that the sole sum of Lola's ambition was to find a wealthy man and settle down with him. Of course, that's unrealistic. But Jay's mores would regress Lola to a point of never progressing upwards - either emotionally, socially or psychologically. And Jay's the kingpin of his world - don't forget, he's learned a lot about bullying and entitlement from the years he's spent fawning about pretending to be Phil's spawn. The moment Lola's interest alighted on her child or her career, Jay would be just as much a prick with her as he was with Abi.

I'm glad Abi's sussed tonight what's going on in his head regarding Lola. He's not bolstering Lola's self-esteem, he's bringing her down to his level. Oh, one other thing. I absolutely love it that one size fits all in Walford still. I used to be gobsmacked when Little Mo and Kat would wear each other's clothes on occasion, but to think that Ronnie's dresses would even come close to fitting Lola is unbelieveable.

I hope Abi dumps the little passive-aggressive thug. A Phil-in-training.

The Missing Link?

Although there was no Lucy in the show last night, her presence pervades the place, because we, the viewers, know she is going to die. I'm still leaning on the suspicion of Ronnie being her killer, but I know that Lee Carter is going to be the prime suspect.

Tonight, there was a very brief scene of Mick and Lee jogging through the market, when Lee briefly catches sight of the psychopathic murderer strutting through the Square. He's struck by what one imagines to be her beauty - if expressionless, botoxed ice queen crossed with a Roswell alien is your type, but then the boy has been fighting a war.

Don't even go there, says Mick. She's a Mitchell.

Well, there's your link between Ronnie and Lee, and that's just a hop, skip and a bonk away from Lucy. I have a feeling Ronnie will ensure that Lee is set up as the main suspect, but not for some time yet. Oh, yes, and she'll fuck him.

Once again, the Carters carried this, apart from the attempt to humanise DTC's personal favourite in that scene with Lee. As Lee has deemed Saint Shirley as "all right," then, why, so should we also. Not. I actually liked the fact that Linda always substituted the word "witch" with Shirley when the kids were small. So Shirley's "all right" by Lee. Is abandoning your children "all right" by you, Lee? You should know that Saint Shirley always relates better to someone else's children rather than her own. How long has it been since she even mentioned her grandson? And she works best, especially when she has the wherewithal to undermine a parent, like Linda.

I'm enjoying Timothy West's masterclass in understated acting. Danny Dyer and Danny-Boy Hatchard rise to the occasion. Mick is clued in totally to Lee, even if Linda is blinkered by the fact that he's serving Queen and Country. I want to know why he can't go back to the army, and what the "something stupid" was that he did. Stan knows, and that's significant.

My favourite tonight was Nancy, telling Terry and his kids that she was adopted, when she was embarrassed by Lee and Linda dancing. I didn't like her at first, but she's really nice now.

Honker.



Bianca, just go. Go now. And take Sonia and the superfluous Rebecca with you. The kid who plays Rebecca is obviously very talented as a young guitarist, which means we're going to see a guitar in every scene as a camouflage that she's another inexperienced young actor who sounds as though she's in a school play. I don't know what I hated more tonight - Bianca's obsessing about her favourite subject, herself, and forbidding her kids to see Terry's, or Sonia's martyr routine.

Tiffany summed her own character up in the reason she gave for liking Terry - he brought her presents. What a shallow, greedy, unpleasant little madam. I hope she goes with her mother.

Sonia's noble sufferer and her obvious subtle insinuations that we're getting about Martin being - not to put too fine a point on it - an oaf, was annoying. Actually, Bianca was right tonight in saying Sonia had the BRCA gene, and that didn't mean she would get cancer. FFS, she's a nurse, with access to medical information and assistance. As a healthcare professional, she should be following a healthy diet and lifestyle, and she'd have easy access - and her GP and Gene Counsellor would make certain of it - that she had very regular check-ups - mammograms, examinations and pap smears, in order to chart and deal with any abnormal cell growth at its incipient stages. Yet we get the last line from Sonia, being having to decide to get a double mastectomy. Please, that is the absolute last resort. Educate, DTC, do not misinform. Oh, and Rebecca wouldn't be tested until she was 18 - David referenced that about Abi to Max, weeks ago. Of course, we know all know this is leading to a Sonia-Tina liaison, and I guess it's established now that all the Beale-Fowler boys are oafish - Ian, Peter, the absent Martin. I guess David's attempted shagging of Nikki weeks ago on the kitchen counter counts as oafish also.

Oh, and Carol can bop and bully about the Square whilst under chemo, and it's good that she's got the word that her tumour is shrinking, but she can't even be arsed to visit Dot, instead cheesily passing her love onto Dot via Charlie. I'm glad he told her bluntly to go see Dot, herself. Since Jack has gone, the Brannings treat Dot abysmally.

This was the Carters' episode. Bar Shirley. The rest were creepy and annoying. 


Emmerdale beat EastEnders last night. What is DTC doing wrong?