EastEnders: The Soap Where Nothing Happens - Review 20.05.2013

EastEnders' new theme song (after Saturday night at the British Soap Awards):-

Poor, poor, pitiful EastEnders. They went all the way to the British Soap Awards, and ended up sitting on their arses all night long. After a massive social network campaign, which included 

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. ON. EASTENDERS.

virtually begging for people to vote for her and the inarticulate David Witts for Sexiest Male and Female. Needless to say, the voting public awarded Michelle Keegan her fifth such award and thought some bloke from Hollyoaks prettier (and probably more understandable) than David Witts. Strike two for Jossa. Get the message?

In the Best Actor and Actress category, EastEnders had a 40% chance of taking home a gong, with two actors nominated to the other soaps' one. They lost.

In fact, they lost in every category for which they were nominated, whether voted by the public or the ubiquitous panel. 

EastEnders are saying they garnered one gong, but really, they didn't. The Lifetime Achievement Award given to Adam Woodyatt was recognition by the industry, if not the fickle fans and TPTB who put forward these nominations from EastEnders, for his contributions and continuously good performances in the role of Ian Beale, a role for which he has never received any sort of nomination from the production for whom he works.

That award was more for Woodyatt than it was for EastEnders, as a whole.

As someone who's watched the show from day one, I'm glad they came away empty-handed. And I scoff at the empty promises of the likes of Perry Fenwick and the tweets of Pete Lawson, bigging up the BAFTA and issuing threats of coming back stronger next year. 

I hope Pete is putting his money where his mouth is, because he's part and parcel of the problem at EastEnders. For EastEnders to bang back with award-winning storylines and an increase in its dwindling audience, it will need to cut out the deadwood both in back of and in front of the camera. So maybe Pete might like to make the ultimate sacrifice and go.

Storyliners, weak millennial writers with no concept of the show's heritage or its history, and inexperienced actors with little talent. All need pruning, including the point where the buck stops ... on the desk of Lorraine Newman.

Maybe now, this empty-handed return from an awards show they used to dominate, will alter Lorraine Newman's permanent position with regard to what the fans think of the show:-

Until then, tonight, as in every night the show is aired, becomes the half hour of the soap where nothing happens.

This Town Ain't Big Enough for Ava the Rava and Her Putrid Kin.

Herein lies the continuing non-story of Ava the Rava, the teacher who doesn't teach.

Dennis went to school today, but Ava didn't. One thing the public is left in the dark about ... just exactly what is Ava at Walford Primary? Is she the Deputy Head or just a classroom teacher? Whatever she is, it's clear that Walford Primary allow their teachers to take days off in order to grade papers. Or so it seems. And when she's not grading papers, Ava the Rava, AKA The Magic Negro ...

... is walking the streets of Walford, patrolling in search of people whom she can enlighten with wisdom and advice which she won't follow, herself.

A couple of commentators pointed out something to me about Ava and her clan who've suddenly been sprung upon us. She and her ilk are nothing more than poorly recycled imitations of black characters from the past.

Remember Tony and Kelvin Carpenter? They were part of the original cast in 1985. Tony was - surprise surprise - a builder, and Kelvin was his son. This was a time when racism was openly and realistically addressed, especially institutional racism as practiced by the police ...

As was reminded me, Tony had a stroppy, social-climbing ex-wife too. Remind you of anyone?

For those of you who aren't interested or can't be bothered about when the show was about realistic people, more recently, let's look at Denise and compare her with Ava the Rava.

Denise, as was pointed out to me, was also the ultimate party animal, who lived in a squat with Lucas and got pregnant with Chelsea ... and Lucas just popped out for a pint of milk and never returned.

So now we know the way this storyline is going.

But one thing bothers me. Ava the Rava was 28 when Dexter was born, as opposed to Denise being a teenager with Chelsea. Her parents had put her through university, given her a good education as she referenced, herself, when she was brought face-to-face with Cora the Bora. So what the hell was she doing living in a squat when she was twenty-eight, when she would have been teaching six years? Something doesn't make sense here.

Anyway, Sam the Sham is still hanging around. Well, actually, he'd been given a job, but someone who has jack shit all to do with Sam or his relationship with Ava the Rava butts her stinky, alcohol-infested breath into the situation ... Cora.

She witnesses Cock throwing a hissy fit over his version of the ubiquitous Daddy Issue in the cafe, and all of a sudden, she's issuing threats against a man she doesn't know.

You ain't wanted around'ere.

Oh, really, Cora? I think Ian Beale might dispute that. And Kim at the B and B. And who are you to determine who's wanted and who isn't in Walford? You haven't been in Walford long enough to plant a cold turd, and the miserable woman you gave birth to after you fucked the Klingon ...

hasn't been there long enough to let a fart which stinks. You know neither side of this affair, and from the way Ava the Rava's been gadding about the streets, shouting the odds, demanding that Sam the Sham leave, and when he wouldn't oblige, vandalising his building material and, thus, causing Ian Beale more expense. 

I should think the Magic Negro and her satellites aren't welcome in Walford.

Another observation from Cora the Bora:

'E won't be around 'ere long, if 'e knows whats good fer'im.

Seriously, Walford can't want this teminally drunken old lag, who corrupts youth and bullies pregnant women and women with small children? This old alcoholic bitch is short on common sense, dishonest, shallow, selfish and belligerant. She adds nothing to the show. Here's a sudden script-change suggestion: Let's send her, her alcoholic daughter and her alcoholic granddaughter away for a long stay at a rehab centre in Aberdeen. Soon.

None of us know why Sam left Ava, and none of us care. None of us care, either about Ava or her rude, little inarticulate, unintelligible, criminal son. But there are two sides to every story, and as Sam looks a decent enough fellow (albeit played by the natural successor to Jack Branning ...)

we really should hear why he deserted Ava the Rava. I think it had to do with waking up to this every morning ...

Run, Sam, Run ...

Further, Ava the Rava shows what a callous little trick she is in using poor Billy Mitchell, everybody's loser, in an effort to prove to herself that she's over Sam the Sham and that Billy's the man for her.

This woman is a joke. Not only is she an utterly pointless and unlikeable character, she's totally unrealistic. One longs for a new Executive Producer to wield an axe that would encompass the demise of her, her little Cock, the putrid woman who gave birth to her and any other satellite who makes his or her way to Walford.

As the song says ...

Really, EastEnders ... Khali Best Best Newcomer? How about Khali Best, Best Person in Need of Acting and Elocution Lessons?

The Return of the Native (or Spooking Fat Barbie).

Oh, Sharon ... what have they done to you? Still, at least Letitia Dean is tactful and forceful enough to hand Lorraine her arse (with her head inserted) and tell her to sort Sharon's character.

Saturday night, Christopher Reason took to Twitter, in response to a follower's concern about the state of the show, to urge people to write the Executive Producer with their complaints. His words: One writer can only do so much. 

As can one actress.

I can buy Sharon's addiction to painkillers, although painkillers are dispensed, both here and in the US, for actual physical pain - as in severe back pain, or pain after an operation or an injury. The sort of things Sharon should be swallowing and addicted to are anti-depressants, Prozac, happy pills - not sedatives which knock you for six.

Be that as it may, why is Sharon spooked by the return of Jack? Look, Sharon's been dumped before - and big time, by Simon Wicks, for Cindy Beale, no less; and Sharon literally spat in his eye and stepped on his toe with her four-inch stiletto. 

Why doesn't she do the same to Jack? The front she put on was almost there, but there was no need to go on about Phil ...

Nyaaah nyaaah I'm with Phil.

As bloody if. And she seriously thinks Jack really wants back with her? What was that in the pub all about? I can only think this is the medication skewing her perceptive and judgement, because Sharon certainly wouldn't be that up herself. Her behaviour backfired on two counts - first, striking a nerve with Phil when he sights Jack and finds out Sharon's shouted the odds to him first about her relationship with Phil, and then didn't think to tell Phil that Jack was around. Suddenly, Phil just may be feeling like this is a rebound relationship. Maybe he should start thinking again about the same now that Grant isn't around, wasn't around when Sharon was there before and was the first name off Sharon's lips when she landed in Walford this time around.

I, for one, would love to see Ross Kemp return. There are miles of unfinished business between Sharon, Grant and Phil, and we need to see that.

The second way she knocked Phil was downing some more sedatives and passing out cold, whilst in charge of Lexi, allowing the child to get hold of her illegal meds and use the bottle like a baby rattle. No fear of her taking anything, that bottle had a child-proof cap, but Sharon will awaken to the wrath of the incredible hulk ...

Her addiction storyline, when it began again, was depicted reasonable realistically; but now it seems to be settling back into EastEnders' familiar circular mode. Round and round the garden...

Highlight: Phil's interaction with Dennis. EastEnders has three actors who totally interact well and realistically with small children - Jake Wood, Shane Richie and Steve McFadden. McFadden always seems to have an easy rappport with kids, and it was quite touching to watch him teach Dennis how to repair a bike puncture. I liked that.

The Village Idiot Interlude.

Kim's a scrubber and Billy's trying to sell her the services of legitimage scrubbers. Did I hear correctly or did Ray just suggest that Kim and her masseuse service the entire youth boxing programme? Does Denise know that the place where she lives is a brothel? Ian would really be interested.

Who's Zooming Whom?

Okay, I really like the Janine-Billy dynamic. I like that both are comfortable enough in their friendship to speak honestly to each other. Billy is right. He has to work for Janine, so he has to take her imperious airs and graces, but Janine needs Alice's help.

If Janine is socially gauche, it's because her guard's up all the time. She has trust issues. Probably the only person she trusts at this moment is Billy, but she's incredibly isolated. Pat's dead, and she's missing her. Ricky, Clare and Diane are gone. Her remaining relatives on the Square, Carol and Bianca, are a couple of ingrates and a retard as well. Billy's advice about Janine treating Alice with respect resonated, because I think Alice is realising that Michael certainly isn't treating her with respect.

He's in even creepier mode, sitting like Blauvelt in a leather chair at the Slater house, doling out orders for Alice as though he were an espionage master. Giving the sort of advice to Alice that he used, himself, about being nice to Janine, getting her to let her guard down, so she can insinuate herself into controlling her, the way he did; because the next step, when the guard is down is to make her feel even lower in self-esteem.

But Alice isn't like that. She genuinely bonds with Janine, who detects a change in her attitude when she returns from Michael. Janine isn't stupid, and she's just as much a player as Michael. I like the fact that she told Michael she didn't want to lie to Janine, and the psychopath deftly turned that act of rebellion into something he could use.

I get the feeling that Alice knows who's using her and who genuinely needs her help. For the child, not themselves.

This was the best segment of the night, and Jasmyn Banks is coming into her own as an actress on the show ...

Same Shit Different Day

... which is more than I can say for Jacqueline Jossa. Same old same old. Left out of playtime with "the gang" - a rare moment of unity when the lesser yoofs requested and got the help of the "greater yoofs" just so we viewers could see the full Monty of how many "yoof" characters there are ... Cock, Jay, Abi, Tyler, Joey, Lauren, Lucy, Whitney. These are the useless youthless wonders we could do without, Yes, even Jay and Abi. Jay has been ritually emasculated and now resides under Abi's thumb. Abi sashays around Walford the way she sashayed into the British Soap Awards Saturday night - looking like a twelve year-old dressed in her grandmother's 1940s-style dresses and sounding like she's ten. I;ll bet she wears seamed stockings on her thunder-thigh legs.

Lauren's a pariah. Shame her putrid grandmother isn't, so all the yoof stand and glare at her. So Lauren gets drunk, after arranging a playdate with her sister. One wonders where she gets the money? She doesn't work. I guess Yummy Mummy or Granny Goodwitch subbed her a loan, or maybe it was The Magic Negro.

Nothing's changed here. Lauren's interminable drink story that always seems about to happen but never does.

Let's whisper it ... WORST. ACTRESS. EVER.

Lowlight: Joey showing a completely different way to say "Sharon."

"Shar-arrrrgh ..."

Ozzy Osbourne will never be the same. Here he is looking for Kat and needing Sharon ...

Nothing new here ... move along.

Now can you see why they didn't win anything?

Is This the Wake-Up Call?

As a fan of twenty-eight years' standing, it's ironic that I'm cheering the fact that EastEnders walks away from the annual British Soap Awards with a big fat NOTHING, bar the much-deserved Lifetime Achievement Award given to Adam Woodyatt.

But isn't it a pity and a bad reflection on viewers' tastes that the likes of Woodyatt and Steve McFadden have never been nominated for Best Actors, much less won any awards?

Tonight was a rout by Coronation Street, a programme beset by its own off-screen problems this past year, but who managed to churn out provocative storylines and brilliant perfomances. Corrie tackled female-on-male domestic abuse, and bagged Alan Halsall, who virtually grew up on the show, a much-deserved Best Actor gong. EastEnders had the ingredients for this selfsame storyline (and a possible salvaging of Kat's and Alfie's Kirkwood-damaged characters) in 2010 and played it for laughs.

In EastEndersLand, women hitting men is funny; women mercilessly bullying men for doing their job (Kat and Bianca) is supposed to be hilarious.

All of David Witts's open-mouthed pouts and all of Jacqueline Jossa's self-obsessed and desperate Twitter pleas to vote for her as sexiest female, and all of Khali Best's stereotypical urban black caricature went for nought.

EastEnders left empty-handed and deservedly so, routed by Corrie and Hollyoaks.

After their shock BAFTA, they were brought down to earth with a bang, consigned to sitting in their seats all night long. Let's hope this spurs Kate Harwood into action. The show needs a competent Executive Producer and writers who know their long-term character subjects. It also needs a Research and Continuity Controller.

All very well and good Pete Lawson going alpha on Twitter and promising to go after the winners next year; I assume that means Pete will be handing in his resignation, because now that Chryed have left, Pete's strength, like Samson's hair, is diminished, and he's part of the problem.

Time for Tony Jordan, Tony McHale and Sarah Phelps to return, at least; and time for a clear-out of the deadwood in front of the camera, starting with the Brat Pack of Jossa, Discipline, McGarty, Witts, Fitzgerald and Best.

The Ice Queen Cometh. Again.

News Item of the week has been the revelation that Samantha Womack - the Ice Queen, she of the botoxed brow, Ronnie Mitchell - is returning to the fold that is EastEnders.

Actually, when word filtered out that a big announcement was forthcoming in the middle of the week, I must admit, I thought it would be confirmation that either Barbara Windsor or Michael French were returning, especially since it's been well-known that TPTB have been talking to both. The fact that various former cast members had been approached by Lorraine Newman is supremely ironic, considering that she adamantly declared in two interviews, categorically, that there would be no returning characters.

But, admit it or not, the show is bleeding viewers, and it's accurate to say it's now barely holding its own against Emmerdale.

Womack's return was actually a genuine surprise, considering the actress left barely two years ago, emotionally drained and spent as a character.

As a tragedy queen, Ronnie Mitchell took this epithet to the level of art. It wasn't enough that her controlling father had deprived her of her baby (born when Ronnie was only fourteen) and lied to her for tweny-one years that the child had died, it wasn't enough that her mother had abandoned  her, she went on to lose another child, in a miscarriage caused by her pantomime father, developed a romantic obsession with the local plank, Jack Branning, was reunited with her undead child (the wet and whiney, nasally Brummie Danielle) only to watch her stand stock still in front of a car driven by Evil Janine and be mown down ... nope ... Ronnie went on to have Jack's baby only to have the child die within 24 hours. Ronnie then took the corpse, put it in the cot of Kat Moon's child and simply took her baby. And kept him for four months.

Did I mention after her father was killed, it was revealed that he'd been sexually abusing her as a child and that her mother knew about it and was jealous? That too.

Ronnie was a tragic heroine to die for, but I was never a shipper. She didn't inspire any sort of sympathy in me, simply because she was too cold, too brittle. On the one side, yes, Ronnie's life was filled with tragedy; but on the other side, she was as much a cold, calculating, controlling and manipulative psychopath as her daddy dearest, Archie.

Always remember that psychopathy can be inherited, and always remember that the only man on the programme with whom Ronnie showed any soupcon of sexual chemistry was Michael Moon, psychopath. The two recognised a similarity in one another. Moon wanted to pursue it and quirkily endeavoured to do so, but Ronnie's obsession with Jack was so great, coupled with the fact that she was harbouring Moon's natural son under the guise of her dead one, that she repelled any of his advances.

Don't believe Ronnie is a psychopath? Read on.

• Ronnie had no friends. Yes, she and Roxy were successors to the Slaters, who began the  sibling-as-friend genre (followed by Libby and Chelsea Fox, who continued it); the Mitchell sisters took this sibling friendship to another level. Well, at least Ronnie did. Roxy mixed well with people outside the family fold, forming a close friendship with the only gay in the village, Christian Clarke. Ronnie kept Roxy on a tight leash. She tolerated her sister having one-night-stands, but any hope of a relationship was strictly out of bounds. Even when Roxy got pregnant (by Jack, Ronnie's obsession, and when they were no longer a couple), even when she slept with and thought the baby was Sean Slater's and married him, Ronnie did her utmost to sabotage the relationship, even goading Sean into hating her. But that's not all Ronnie did.
• Ronnie had obsessions. Two big ones - Jack and having a baby to replace Danielle. When Roxy fell pregnant, Ronnie threw the fit of all coniption fits and demanded she have an abortion. Sometime later, she went on a quest to get pregnant, herself, by anyone she could. She slept with Ryan Malloy and then Owen, Denise's wife-beating, alcoholic ex-husband, who managed to plant his seed. When she returned from an inexplicable absence to find  Owen was nowhere to be found (he was actually six feet under a tree in the middle of the Square), she shrugged her shoulders. He was only a means to an end. But before that, she did something even more bizarre.
• After wet Danielle's death, she sought out the man, who - as a boy - had impregnated her.  His name was Joel, and he was a portly, balding, mediocre accountant, married with three daughters. Ronnie fucked him over his desk in his office and lured him away from his famiily. Poor Joel. He must have thought his ship had docked, or rather, dicked. He was living a happy, but mundane existence with an ordinary wife and three unremarkable daughters, when this beautiful blonde from his past gives him one on his desk, and he walks away from a marriage and into life at the Vic. Roxy was appalled that Joel was so unattractive; Peggy was appalled that Ronnie showed absolutely no remorse for doing what she did. She simply didn't give a rat's arse about anyone but herself. She had trouble dealing with Joel's daughters, who - understandably - didn't like her, so she told Joel, callously, to forget them, that they would have a wonderful child of their own. Ah, but then Joel lowered the proverbial boom: he'd had a vasectomy, which prompted Ronnie, there and then, to throw his belongings in a rubbish bag and throw him out with the trash. Joel was last seen, morosely climbing into a car driven by his wife, who was giving himthe tongue lashing of his pathetic life.
• Ronnie's obsession with Jack made her bribe Sam Mitchell to leave Walford with Jack's baby, Richard, thinking nothing of taking the money - £30k - from her sister. She then lied to Jack, telling him that Sam decided against having him raise Richard; besides, Ronnie was finally pregnant, herself, and her child was all that mattered.

I won't bore people with the vagaries of the baby swap, except to say that I wonder if Ronnie's obsession with a baby was not only to replace Danielle, but also to prove to everyone that she, too, was capable of having a child. In the end, the child was a reflection of her arrogance and ego (another trait of the psychopath), and her ego got the better of her with the child.

Ronnie came home from hospital one day after giving birth - a bitterly cold day at the end of December. Jack was abroad, Roxy was partying (it was New Year's Eve) and Glenda was nowhere to be found. There was no one on hand to help a new mother with a fractious newborn. Hospitals are wary of letting new mums go home unless they have a support network at hand, but Ronnie's arrogance was such that she wanted to do everything, herself.

Within hours of arriving home, she had her day-old infant in a pram, in the cold, parading him around the market. Who, one day on from giving birth, takes a day-old infant and swans about in the cold like that? Newborn anythings are born without a built-in biological heat mechanism, which is why they have the little thermal hats and remain in a controlled temperature environment for several days.

Then, after a brief visit from the Brannings, Ronnie puts the baby down in the bedroom, and goes into the lounge and falls asleep. Not on the bed in the bedroom with the baby in the same room, but in a different room. This was in the afternoon. Naturally, she's tired from all the events of the previous day - labour, childbirth etc - and she sleeps until just before midnight. She awakes, the flat's dark, the kid's gone a good NINE HOURS without a feed, and the heating's off ... and the baby's dead.

So Ronnie's new toy is broken.

You know the rest.

TPTB as was Kirkwood at the time, made much of Ronnie getting sentenced for a few years, and now she's out on licence. Many people hope she got psychiatric counselling inside, but I doubt it would help her if she did. Psychopaths are beyond help.

Remember the scene after her confession when the police shrink was interviewing her - that scene where she went through the elaborate ritual of groveling on the floor re-enacting Danielle's death. That over, she brushed herself off and sat back in the chair. The shrink asked her if she didn't feel any sort of remorse or guilt, harbouring the child and living across the Square from the Moons, whose grief was raw for all to see for four months.

Once again, we got the trademark shoulder shrug. Ronnie said it never bothered her. She didn't know the Moons, really, didn't consider them friends and couldn't care less. She wouldn't. A psychopath doesn't have empathy.

Now, she's about to be released on licence and return to Walford, in the most supreme act of arrogance yet: returning to live on the Square in daily contact with the victims of her crime, a crime that did a lot to smash an already fractured relationship. Kat and Alfie are now separated. Alfie is living with Ronnie's sister, and Tommy, the child she kidnapped, is as much with his dad in the Vic as he is with his mother.

I'm wondering how she's going to manage to return. I know EastEnders is lax on reality of late, but they made a point of Kat informing Jack that the police authorities had written to her, informing her of Ronnie's release and asking if she, as the victim of Ronnie's crime, had any conditions to impose upon her probation. Kat pointedly told Jack that she had responded by telling them that she didn't want Ronnie anywhere near Walford, nowhere near her son or her. 

"I may have forgiven her," Kat told Jack. "But that doesn't mean I want to see her day in and day out."

When Alfie found out she was being released, he went ballistic.

Sam Womack is returning for six months. Some are speculating she may stay longer. The actress is contracted for pantomime, which means her filming will be done by November. Blurbs have stated that she will affect storylines during the summer and autumn, which means that she will be filming imminently. That sounds right, because she'd just wrapped filming the Sky soap sitcom Mount Pleasant.

I'm resigned that she's going to be on our screens for six months and that the show will, once again, become The Ronnie Show. I'm certain her presence is primarily to effect a split in the Roxy-Alfie romantic dynamic and to aid in the reunion of Alfie and Kat. Most likely, Roxy will move Ronnie into the Vic, which will conflict Alfie and drive him back to Kat, as Roxy's loyalties will lie with her sister.

She'll probably also figure someway in Jack Branning's departure. That's only natural.

And she'll probably also be a factor in Michael Moon's departure and his dysfunctional relationship with Janine.

There you have the three main storylines dominating the future, bar the Max Branning-Kirsty situation and Phil's romance with Sharon, and if they can wrangle Ronnie into those, they will.

As I said, I can live with The Ronnie Show for six months, as long as she leaves on schedule. I don't think her return will mean she'll leave with Jack. Scott Maslen is due to leave the screen in late autumn, Steve John Shepherd afterward; thus, I think EastEnders' Christmas 2013, will be entirely Moon-centric. Could there be something in a Ronnie-Michael connection? The meeting of two great psychopaths? Who knows?

Mute Banana, a contributor to Walford Web Bully Emporium and Kindergarten, is a long-time viewer with whom I rarely agree regarding his misogynistic interpretation of EastEnders, but he raises an interesting point: perhaps Ronnie is returning to facilitate Roxy's departure?

Now this is interesting. Newman would, naturally, keep any inkling of Rita Simons' leaving a secret, but I can see a dumped Roxy, secretly pregnant with Alfie's child, skulking away from Walford with her control-freak sister back to the safe haven of Ibiza, where she'll deliver a child Ronnie can control. It also leaves a door open for Roxy to return and cause problems in the future for Alfie and Kat.

Finally, whilst on the one hand I'm surprised at Womack returning so soon (I expect a hefty pay packet will come in nicely for the school fees), I'm not, in hindsight, on the other hand. Bryan Kirkwood and Lorraine Newman oversaw the return of Kat and Sharon. A writing room, the majority of whom were totally unfamiliar with these characters, have fucked their characterisations up, almost beyond redemption. Two much-loved female characters are now hated and derided. Bianca, a heart-rendering little cockney sparrow with drive and a business sense, under the past two regimes has been rendered a retard.

But Ronnie was a post-2006 character, and most of the hacks in the writing room know her well. In what will seem on the surface to be a brilliant coup by the beleagured and pedestrian Lorraine Newman, is really familiarity breeding contempt.

I wish Womack well in her latest six-month stint on the show, but I hope she doesn't stay a minute longer than she's contracted. I hope she gives Ronnie closure, and I hope she doesn't return.

EastEnders: Much Ado About Nothing - Review: 17.05.2013

The song describes the show:-

In other words, same shit, different day.

Except that today, the topic of discussion is the return of another great white hope of a female character.

Samantha Womack is returning for six months to reprise the role of Ronnie.

I've nothing against Ronnie, but I've nothing for her either. She's yet another degree of psychopath (an inherited tendence, remember), who will show up, unrealistically, on the Square in order to facilitate the break-up of Alfie and Roxy and reunite him with Kat. 

Succinctly put, Ronnie is precluded from coming anywhere near the Square, as per Kat's probation conditions. Yes, Kat forgave Ronnie, but that doesn't mean she'll ever forget what she did, and she certainly wouldn't want to see her swanning about the Square day in, day out. So some sort of magic is going to have to be worked (or retconned) in order to allow her to return.

And we'll be subjected, yet again, to The Ronnie Show.

Is this a coup for Newman? In a sense, it is. She's broughth back a fairly recent character,  someone with whom - unlike Sharon from the 1980s or Bianca from the 1990s or Kat from the early part of this century - the current writing room are more familiar. They won't shred Ronnie the way they eviscerated Sharon and Kat, and they won't make her a retard the way the have Bianca.

One sage soul reckons that TPTB will stack a plethora of storylines surrounding Saint Ronnie, the Matron Saint of Psychopaths, in order that they can go to work behind the scenes writing better material for better characters.

Hope floats.

As long as Ronnie returns for six months and then leaves, I'm happy with that. I'll even stick The Ronnie Show, but this is a character who is genuinely spent. I just want her to do what she has to do and go. Like Ronnie, who never gave a rat's arse about anyone but herself and Roxy (as far as she could control her), I don't give a rat's arse about Ronnie, and therein lies the problem.

Because I no longer give a rat's arse about most of the cast, specifically that turdfest we saw tonight.

What a load of codswallop!

Epic Fail.

First of all, there were  heaps of praise last night on Walford Web Bully Emporium, especially from those expert drama critics widdle *Betty*, ToryBoy Jark,  and Wank-a-Slutter Mitchell, especially regarding Clare Perkins and Cornell S John. 

My verdict? This ...

They stank. Unless anyone be in any doubt, John is the natural successor to that plank of wood otherwise known as Jack Branning, and memo to *Betty*:

Just because you scream, flail your arms and bend from the waist as if in physical pain, that doesn't mean you're a great actor. It means you're a ham. Now ... go sit on the naughty step and take your hand out of the front of your trousers.

It was no better tonight.

The majority of this episode was concerned with the following:-

• an incidental character, made permanent, who's not remotely interesting, with no discernable backstory and no character arc. It's debatable that she even has a job.
• an unnecessary and unintelligible stereotypical black urban youth with no function whatsoever and not in the least bit likeable.
• an old grey hag and a drunk, who is imminently unlikeable.
• a very new character about whom we know nothing and about whom we care less.
• an unfunny woman with weird hair.

Let's begin with Dexter. Ava the Rava really hasn't brought him up at all well. He's rude, presumptuous, dishonest, lazy, disrespectful, and unintelligible.

This is Khali Best's first professional role, and it shows. He has the articulace level of Tony Discipline and David Witts, but Witts - in real life - is actually an articulate, well-spoken young man. There's no need for him to garble his dialogue the way he does.

Best is 26 and playing a 20 year-old. His final scene was, frankly, embarrassing.

He's a spoiled mamma's boy, who is disrespectful to people in general, completely disregards his mother's wishes, presuming to know better than she, he sought to scam customers at the garage where he works, he lolls about whilst Jay does all the work, and he's extremely badly spoken. A teacher would never allow her child to speak thus.

He's really a character who shouldn't be. Both he and his man-in-drag ma knock-offs brought in to justify the existence of the putrid old, mouldy Cora the Bora in the wake of Tanya leaving. Cora the Bora gets her black family, and Denise gets her blonde, blue-eyed one. Mas dates Carol, Fatboy loves Poopy, and we're all happy in the Rainbow World of Walford. In fact, I'm sure that the cast singing this song will be EastEnders' next contribution to Red Nose Day:-

Warmth and Friendship, dontcha know?

He's attracted to a man who's really a virtual stranger, and he automatically reckons "Jacob" is a better man than Billy Mitchell and less of a loser. I'm a bit disappointed that Jay didn't defend Billy more, especially when Dexter was going on and on and on and on about the mystery man and setting Ava the Rava up on a date with him, all the while whilst Jay grafted on the car project.

One wonders why Phil continues to employ him. It's not like Phil Mitchell to pack deadwood, and Ajay, who's seldom seen in the Arches probably does more work than Dexter is capable of doing. And didn't Phil say Jay was the better mechanic?

We were subjected to Ava the Rava, also known as The Magic Negro, doing her rounds on the streets of Walford today - anyplace but actually showing up to her job of Deputy Head. Alice lost her job from having too many days off; I wonder if Ava will. How long before she's doing a shift in the launderette.

This poor attempt at a French farce - The Magic Negro hoping her big little secret scarpers from Walford, whilst various and sundry Walford residents unwittingly conspire to have him stay is timeworn, cliched and trite. We know what will happen. Within a few weeks, Ava the Rava will confess to having feelings for Sam (formerly known as Jacob), and the rest will be predictable history.

Equally disturbing is Dexter's attraction to his louche and disrespectful biological grandmother. As I've said before, I wouldn't trust any young person associating with Cora the Bora. She's an old trout and an alcoholic with poor judgement and a hypocrite. She is a sheister, who has no morals. As sure as eggs are eggs, she'll get Dexter off the beaten track. In fact, she looks at him as though she'd like to suckle and then bed him, and that's creepy.

First of all, the sooner Dexter is told, in no uncertain terms, that Cora is not Ava's mother, the better. She is merely the woman who gave birth to Ava, and she is remotely related to Dexter; but his real grandparents - and Ava's real parents - are the couple who raised her and helped her deal with Dexter. It looks as though these people are still alive, because of the new shirt incident a couple of weeks ago, so why he's so fascinated with Cora the Bora is beyond me. She's as much of a rejection meme as Sam is in his life.

Ava was right to tell her to butt out of the incident at the pub. She knew nothing of the background of events, because she allowed herself to be guided by someone who knew less than she - Dexter - and she sought to impose herself on the situation in a familial sense. She doesn't get the message. You can't force yourself on people, and just because you gave birth to a child doesn't mean you are entitled to call yourself a parent.

Her presumption about Ava "needing to get out more" was rich. She knows nothing about this woman - her interests, her needs, her aspirations; and they have absolutely nothing in common.

The whole apex of the situation - the inevitable realisation that Sam is Dexter's father - was embarrassing to watch - the shouting, the screeching, and Best's totally overly-dramatic exit and angst. Even more embarrassing was the scene in the pub,which saw Dexter sat with Sam discussing football. For a brief moment, Sam was rendered speechless, gobsmacked, by Dexter droning on and on and on and on and on, unintelligibly. His eyes glazed over, and we were asked to believe this was a father's epiphany with his long-lost son, but it seriously and creepily looked as though Sam fancied Dexter.

Seriously, he's not a son of which to be proud.

Memo to writers, especially the atrocious Katie Douglas, who heaped this steaming pile of shit on the nation tonight: Not everyone in the EastEnd supports West Ham or Leyton Orient. I think you'll find there are just as many Spurs and Gunner supporters, even a sprinkling of Chelsea supporters living there.

Add to this non-drama, the almost poignant scene of Ray introducing himself to Sam and the two shaking hands. That, ladies and gents, was the passing of the quota torch for EastEnders. One black man is taken out of the game, to be replaced by another. Ian Wright for Jimmie Floyd Hasselbaink, Marvin Gaye for Barry White, Denzell Washington for Jamie Foxx.

Having read through Chucky Venn's less-than-happy twitterings about his "decision" to leave by mutual consent (read: he was sacked), that scene must have galled him mightily.

And then there was Kim. With every episode, Kim becomes more and more a Geraldine Jones  incarnation. Of course, Geraldine Jones was a man-in-drag.

I'll swear, if the late Flip Wilson were alive today to do Geraldine, he's look like Tameka Empson, and I'd be surprised if she isn't channelling Wilson for her role of Kim. The only difference is she isn't funny.

Why are we not surprised that Kim, one of the vainest and shallowest characters ever to appear on this programme, has her sights set on Sam? He's male and he's attractive, and he's taking the place of Ray. No surprises there, except that her kitchen hygiene at the B and B is just as scummy as it was about a year ago when it was shut down.

Do I care about all these insignificant characters who contribute nothing? 

No.

Bad Observation: I want Grant to come back. I want him to come back with 16 year-old Courtney Mitchell. I want her spoiled, with an attitude and Grant's temper. Then I want her to bounce Abi the Dough-faced Girl all around the Square before planting her right foot squarely in Abi's lardy arse and kicking her far from Walford.

Abi is turning into one spiteful, materialistic and spoiled little bitch. She doesn't give a toss about Jay, just about the holiday he's working like a skivvy to get for her. She's quite happy to plot and plan a romantic interlude for Ava with Dexter, and her most creative idea is to meet up for a drink in the Vic? Really, Abi?

She has the most slappable chipmunk cheeks that are just crying out to be bitch-slapped, I can't wait for Courtney to return. She's awful. She's a Branning, and I hope she goes.

Also, what the hell is Dexter doing hanging out with these loser little kids when he's more into the Tyler demographic?

Good Observation: The only positive aspect about this dire presentation tonight was the divine Diane Parish. She's always watchable, but the fact that she's going to be paired with Ian Beale means she'll be on her way out of Walford in the next two years - either in the back of a taxi or in a box.

Final Observation: I am surprised, indeed, that Sam is Dexter's father. I made sure his father was Mr Worf from Star Trek, because the resemblance is so pronounced:-

(Especially the forehead).

Billy No-Mates.

Dexter disdains Billy because he reckons Billy is a go-fer. But what is Dexter? Phil Mitchell's go-fer.

I am at a loss to think, not only what Ava the Rava would see in someone like Billy Mitchell, but also what Billy would see in her.

Billy likes gentle, pliant women,and he isn't big on brainpower. Think Little Mo, Honey and Julie. Someone who resembles a man in drag with arms like a sumo wrestler is hardly going to be Billy's type. Imagine if they got married ... Ava could carry Billy over the threshold.

Billy thinks he's punching above his weight with Ava, but Ava could flatten him in a New York Minute. 

He's still the brunt of Phil's humour and the domestic sustenance of Janine's empire. Director of Operations means Billy does the windows.

Nice moment between him and Lola when she bought him a DVD and promised him a night in with her and Lexi. She loves Billy,and for the moment, that should be enough. 

Still, this vignette was nothing we didn't already know about Billy the perpetual loser and the Mitchell's village idiot.

Speaking of which ...

Bianca the Retard Gets Jealous.

Carol slept with Masood. The Blackwall Tunnel is open again for business. Masood has been deep into infidel territory and is now defiled. He needs to be purified at his mosque immediately, but not before he's been down the clinic. I would have loved to have seen Tamwar's face across Carol's at the breakfast table, and I would have loved him to quip, "I miss Mum."

The truth about cats and dogs is that Masood would never go with an old trout like Carol, and both actors deserve better.

Still, Rainbow World filled with love and happiness.

And jealousy.

Once again, Whitney the Wise puts her puerile stepmother in her place. Bianca is jealous, not only that Carol is having a social life with a man, but also that Whitney is engaged to be married. In short, Whitney and Carol are getting some nookie, and Bianca has been a dried up old prune for more than a year.

And whose fault is that?

Ahem ... may I remind you that Bianca is the architect of her own pathetic destiny?

(Aided and abetted by Carol's bitter suggestion, of course).

Bianca the Retard sulks because Mommie Dearest has a man, and she doesn't. The only thing remotely resembling a man whom Bianca can pull is the insipid Ajay. So a woman a generation younger contrives to make Bianca, the parent, feel like a rubbery piece of cheese. That a thirty-seven year-old mother of three should behave worse than her pre-teen daughter is mind-boggling. But then this is Kirkwood's and Newman's vision of Bianca.

One thing I;ve always found astounding about Bianca: she had that whopper of an affair with Dan Sullivan (off-screen) when she was fifteen and was also witness to Whitney's abuse at the same age by Tony King.

Yet, at no time either in1999 nor in 2008, did anyone reference Dan's affair with an underaged Bianca as what it was: rape. In fact, Bianca was aggressively touting the twenty-one year-old Callum Monks as prize meet for the fifteen year-old Whitney to try out, claiming that such a liaision was "no big fing."

Bianca's cornered the market on Village Idiots. Billy belongs to the Mitchells, but Bianca is the three-in-one collective Village Idiot of the Beales, the Butchers and the Brannings.

Pop Goes the Weasel.

Oy, this bloke appeared on EastEnders once ... and then he died.

Ian is in thrall to the business sense of his bag o'bones daughter.

Bag o'bones doesn't trust him to function responsibly on her own.

She's right.

He's now officially embezzling from her business account to finance the construction of his restaurant.

Here's a thought: Does Ian think Lucy's that dense that she won't notice a cheque is missing, if not from noticing that the stubs are now out of sequence, but when her statement comes? I guess we have weeks of rivetting scenes of Ian trembling and sweating whilst he waits for Masood to arrive with the post, hoping to intercept Lucy's bank statement.

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding, I ask ...

Not much, Nick ... at least not in Walford.

Oh well, at least Shirley was back on form tonight with some zingers.

EastEnders: The Moveable Feasts - Review 16.05.2013

Well, that was embarrassing, wasn't it?

An entire episode devoted to nothing but drawing room vignettes, all of which reminded me of stale 1970s sitcom situations, even down to the decor in Ava the Rava's flat. The most surprising and self-satisfying bit of the whole badly-executed charade was the fact that, in her youth, Ava really was known as Ava the Rava.

But this really was one of the worst episodes of the year. Totally incongruous situations, butt-clinchingly maudlin attempts to justify one's professional nomenclature as an actor (emphasis on the last syllable) and yet more mindless attempts to create couples from people whose very cultural existence would preclude any sort of social integration whatsoever.

Is it any wonder, then, that the show is bleeding viewers? Tuesday night saw the lowest viewing tally of the year, with the show barely scraping 5 million viewers in the wake of a clash with Emmerdale.

People are turning off. The brutal truth is that people no longer want to watch EastEnders, and tonight's episode showed us exactly why people no longer want to watch.

The show, its writers and producers, are playing to the peanut gallery - the lowest common denominator of viewer: low-intellect teens, all of whom share one collective braincell and all of whom have never watched the show prior to the advent of Saint Stacey Slater. People who have no concept of the art of critical thinking, much less the ability to do this. People who are unable to fathom that good people can sometime be driven to do bad things, and that bad people may be capable of some goodness. Thus, Phil can only be understood as a thug; Ian is a weasel,and Janine is always and only Evil Janine.

Janine left her baby, and that was bad. Mothers don't leave children, but these people have no concept of PND and what that condition can make women do. Women with PND have been known to kill their children. Does that make them bad? And a known psychopath, who operates as a con man psychologically punching down on vulnerable women, is the hero of the piece because he, seemingly, cares for his infant daughter. So successful is the illusion that the viewers (being dim) don't see that his "care" for the child came as a result of palming the baby off on unsuspecting (and unpaid) carers.

Tonight's episode was more and embarrassment of bitches than anything else. EastEnders, as the song says, is going down ...

EastEnders ... the show where nothing happens ... and no one is talking about it.

Tonight's show had a putrid air of the 70s sitcom about it, and its running theme was dinner.

Not Abigail's Party

Dinner parties never fare well on EastEnders. From the traditional Mitchell bunfests (with Auntie Sal doling out home truths) to the godawful bragfests characterised by Ian Beale's dinner party from hell to the terribly frequent bore-and-boozefests which symbolise the Brannings, something is bound to happen that makes someone want the floor to open up and swallow them.

When Sharon put together a dinner party for the remaining Mitchell "family" as a sop to curry favour with Lola, the self-appointed moral arbitre of the Mitchells, we knew something was bound to happen.

Look, we all know Sharon is an addict and that she's in denial; but we also can see how deft she was in deflecting Billy's suspicious observation that she must be on the meds because she poured her wine down the sink. Billy bought cheap plonk - something that Billy would, naturally, do. Tripping up and losing her balance was down to new shoes, with four-inch heels.

The Mitchells give a shindig, and you never know who's going to show up - but that's true for any gathering in EastEnders. First Trish Barnes, the redeemed over-zealous social worker just "popped in" to see how Lexi was - ne'mind the fact that it was dinnertime and the child had long since been put to bed. Anxious to show Barnes how "normal" they are, Sharon and Phil impose upon her to stay for tea and dessert. As you do.

It wasn't enough the poor woman had to sit there listening to Alfie's bad jokes and suffering Lola's looks of death directed at Sharon, yet another unexpected guest had to arrive ... and what a guest.

What the hell business Shirley had showing up to crash a dinnerparty to which she hadn't been invited is anybody's guess. I genuinely thought Shirley had begun to move on from Phil, but the likes of Lauren Klee have regressed her in this instance back to a welter of jealousy and bitterness. Tuesday's episode, showing Shirley slumped at the bar in the Vic, wailing jealously about Sharon's place in the Mitchell dynamic, a place and a prestige she no longer enjoyed.

Shirley, as a faux Mitchell, was a bully and a beast, swaggering about the Square, challenging people with the aggressive phrase, "Do you know who I am?" She was Phil Mitchell's squeeze, and her power derived from Phil, who would never commit to her. Now, bereft of Phil and knowing that she never really had his love, she is a nothing, a no one, a lonely, bitter woman who'd rather skulk around the Square in a pathetic effort just to be near Phil, whom she hopelessly loves, and just to make his life a misery. She hopes to prick his conscience about Heather, hoping that he'd have her back within his sphere so she could use that guilt as a lever with which to control him, both physically and emotionally.

That didn't work.

So out of the blue, she shows up tonight. Why? Not to pick at Phil, but to sit drunkenly at one end of the table and level open insults in Sharon's direction.

Why?

Sharon has done nothing to Shirley. She wasn't responsible for the breakdown of Shirley's relationship with Phil, although Shirley knew for years that Sharon was the only woman Phil loved, and the moment she walked into Walford, Phil would walk away from Shirley. The visit tonight was the height of pathetic bitchery, plopping herself arrogantly into the chair she knew to be Sharon's and heaping insult after bitchy insult, for no other reason than to see Sharon discomfited; and landing Roxy's insensitive remarks regarding Sharon, squarely on the table, embarrassing no one but Roxy.

Sharon was right to allow her to stay. Her behaviour only reflected badly on herself. As Lola told her, she was truly pathetic, showing up at a private event, stinking of booze and so drunk that she could barely sit up.

I've yet to figure out the reason for this incongruous appearance, if only as a contrivance to show Lola as capable of ascertaining that, whatever Sharon's done, she's a better bet for Lexi's welfare than Shirley would be, as well as showing Sharon in a good light and Shirley in a dubious one. We all know that Sharon means more to Phil than Shirley ever did, so in order to do this, a contrived scene had to be developed.

An entertaining scene, but a contrived scene, nonetheless. It;s always good to see Shirley kicked back to the gutter where she belongs; but Linda Henry's character deserves to be moved on from her own pity party.

Shirley had to be told to leave. Ths song is for her ...

The words of this song apply so much to Shirley. 

I don't want to spoil the party
So I'll go
I would hate my disappointment
To show

There's nothing for me here,
So I will disappear ...

I've had a drink or two
But I don't care ...

Masood the Horny Muslim Meets a Menopausal Blackwall Tunnel

Tonight we were introduced to Masood the Horny and Carol the Coy. I thought the retarded Bianca and the equally challenged Ajay had taken the kids out for a scrumtuous meal at McKlunkeys, but they were sat in the pub with nary a child to be seen.

I just thought of something: If Masood and Carol get married and Bianca marries Ajay, then Carol's daughter would be her sister-in-law and Masood's brother would be his son-in-law.

Go figure that incest.

Carol and Masood had a rivetingly boring date, talking about nothing, and I mean nothing. Bacon and tea in the cafe, delivering the post with barking dogs, only to reach Carol's doorstep where Masood suddenly starts sucking on Carol's face.

Right, we've had Masood the loving husband, Masood the observant Muslim, Masood the devoted father, Masood the postman and Masood the aspiring teacher. Now we have Masood the Horny Muslim, who's so desperate to grope Carol's chicken-skinned flesh that he's willing to risk the presence of Tamwar and the inarticulate Ajay to achieve his end.

Surely, he knows that Carol is the middle-aged bike of Walford. If Whitney be the Walford mattress, Carol is the Sealy posturpedic model, made for everyone from teenaged boys to grandads like Eddie Moon ... and Masood.

This is an unbelieveable couple, and not in a good way. That Lorraine Newman can't think of anything to do with Lindsey Coulson's character than pairing her with the only man in her age demographic who isn't related to her, speaks volumes for Newman's lack of imagination.

Masood and Carol simply don't fit. Carol is a woman who, on any given day, would be identified as an easy lay. In Masood's culture, she would be tagged as immoral. Masood is a man who, three months ago, stood, crying, on his doorstep as his wife of thirty years drove off in a taxi. Immediately she'd gone, he toyed with eloping with a woman young enough to be his daughter, and now he's chewing on the face of a woman's whose oldest grandchild is a contemporary of his youngest son.

I guess we've just been introduced to the Asian Branch of Brannings Incorporated.

Daddy's Home (But the Milk's Gone Sour).

Ava the Rava and Sam ... or rather, Aunt Esther

meets Big Sam ...

This was the most embarrassing part of tonight's bunfest. It was taken straight from a bad situation comedy and it featured two actors, basically being actors, preening and showing their stage-honed emotive skills ... and failing badly.

Cornell S John spoke as if all the world's a stage, but he was a particularly wooden player, and his intonation and delivery can only be described as James Earl Jones-meets-Johnny Nash (but without the collective talent). If this is the supremely talented and experienced actor, whose chief claim to fame is an obscure part in a couple of niche movies, then he is not the salvation EastEnders is seeking.

So much of this was trite and cliched and just plain dumb, it was insulting.

First, I seriously doubt that there are many people who give a rat's arse about the Magic Negro teacher who doesn't teach or work, her Cock of a son or the man who popped out for a pint of milk 20 years ago and didn't come back. 

(Do you think he sussed he was living with a man-in-drag?)

A serious piece of advice to Clare Perkins ... love, my licence fee is paying your substantial salary. Get your arse down to some bespoke lingerie specialist and get fitted for a decent bra. With Sharon's linebacker shoulders and neck, Carol's chicken-skinned neck and bosom, the last thing we need to see is lards of chunky, wobbly fat hanging down from your underarms because your bra's too tight across your tits.

My point is that Ava the Rava is still an unknown quantity. I can understand her prickliness, but she's yet another unlikeable character, who inspires no warmth or affection. The screech factor was a turn-off tonight as well.

If Big Sam is being introduced to flesh (bad pun) out Ava's backstory, that's incongruous too. Ava is forty-eight, which means Cock was born when she was twenty-eight. That's hardly a child. Yet, it appears she was living in a squat at that time. With Big Sam.

WTF?

We know that, courtesy of her white, middle-class parents, Ava received a university education, qualifying as a teacher. She must have had at least two decades of experience to be in educational administration. At twenty-eight, when Dexter was born, she would have been teaching some six years ... and she's living in a squat and partying down on rooftops? Not only that, but Big Sam pops out because Ava won't put out three months after Dexter's birth?

Why do I sense a Crying Game moment here?

I mean the moment the guy's date comes out of the loo in "her" dressing gown with "her" willie dangling down and ... you get the picture.

Run, Sam, run!

Perkins's and John's overt emoting aside, which came across as amateurish and OTT, the other annoying aspect of this vignette was the utter stupidity of Dexter the Little Cock.

Was he born stupid or is he just another retard? Because the most clueless of kids would have certainly realised that there was something more to whoever "Jacob" was by the way Ava the Rava was putting on the vapours. And his offer to go after "Jacob" to get his telephone number was just dumb. As was his remark about his own perfection. And how did Sam find Ava's address anyway?

And why, pray tell, does Cock presume to think that "Jacob" would be any better catch for Ava the Rava than Billy Mitchell? He knows nothing of this man, who could be a serial killer for all he knows. Come to think of it, so could Ava the Rava. It couldn't be a racial thing, could it?

One thing for certain, as clearly and precisely as these experienced actors emoted and enunciated tonight, it's a shame that Khali Best was never taught enunciation in his drama course. He is as unintelligible as Tony Discipline and David Witts and as unlikeable.

And, please, just how many long-lost relatives and assholes with daddy issues do we have to endure before overkill sets in? Stop insulting our intelligence.

Let's hear it for Father Knows Best ... Not.

You Can Get Anything You Want at Ian's Restaurant ... 

So now we know ... Ian only ever interviewed Jean for the position of sous-chef for his new restaurant because she would be the cheapest.

This is Jean, who - prior to this retcon - could only cook sausage sur-priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise and not very good at that. Sean hated it. Last year, during Heather's murder investigation, DCI Crisp almost gagged on it, and Phil Mitchell got red in the face pretending to like it.

So now, her cooking test for Ian's venture, boils down (bad pun) to ...chicken surprise.

Once again, Newman's curious brand of bland sitcommy non-humour, featuring the professional stage school kid (or midget) now playing Bobby Beale. When he made the remark tonight about something being like a plum, I thought to myself that the only thing plummy about that kid is his posh voice.

Of course, we all knew what the result would be and I felt that the contrivance was that, once Jean threw a wobbly and threw the Beale bunch out of "her" kitchen, she'd passed the stereotypical temperamental chef test.

I guess Ian and goldigger Denise got shelved, huh?

Out of all this welter of nothingness, warmth and friendship, we can count on one thing from Newman .. the continued development of characters like Jean Slater - from hapless, screeching, clingy mum, to chaser of inappropriate men, to New Age Dot, to Events Manager to an unqualified sous chef. What next? Leaping tall buildings in a single bound? The rise of SuperJean.

I think I'm getting sick again.