The Dirty Girls - Review 30.07.2013

Another episode, yet another unfamiliar writer's name. Paul Quiney.

Who he?

Another one of a plethora to pass through the famous writers' academy of the BBC. Is there no writing room anymore, or are the BBC farming out various episodes to freelancers who write the odd episode then write another months later?

Researching, I find that this Paul Quiney has written four episodes between 2012 and 2013. Four, which were few and far between. I'd love to know the total number of people writing for EastEnders. I'll bet the number exceeds ten - as compared to Coronation Street, who employ a small group of core writers who take care of the lot.

The result is better contiunuity, more consistency in character development and less retconning.

These days, the character is written to fit the storyline, the character is made to fit the actor, when the reverse should be the norm. Scott Maslen was a copper in The Bill; now he plays and ex-copper in EastEnders. The bloke who plays Ollie was also a copper in The Bill; now - guess what? - he's an ex-copper on this show.

No surprises there.

In the early days of DTC's impending tenure, with everyone second-guessing and offering him unsolicited quarterback advice, my humble first suggestion to the new EP would be to sort out his writing room. Get rid of the all and sundry and mould a room consisting of six or seven core writers, employed exclusively to write for EastEnders. And be sure to include Sharon Marshall and new girl Natalie Mitchell as part and parcel of the same.

A fish stinks from its head.

The Dirty Girls Review

I. Bianca, Bitchery and All Things Whitney.

Ooh, Whitney, you dirty girl! Wait ... wait ... that's wrong. We're supposed to pity Whitney, root for her, be on her side.

I thought her first scene in this episode, in the Butcher kitchen, portrayed her as a spoiled brat of a bitch, who, in an extreme act of petulance, had fucked the local, unintelligible meatjob, who'd been shared by her two supposed best friends. As you do.

Can EastEnders be anymore socially incestuous? Kat's slept with Alfie and his cousin. Jack has slept with Ronnie, her sister Roxy and their cousin Sam. Tanya slept with Max and Jack. I wonder if Lauren, Lucy and Whitney will one day compare notes on Joey's junk? And what is it, precisely, about Joey that charms these silly girls? Lauren was so in lurve with her cousin, his repudiation of her drove her to serious drinking and a stint in a drying-out clinic (from whence she will return with blonde highlights and a golden tan); Lucy is ready to fight anyone for Joey's attention; and Whitney, well, he's been in the back of her mind since that kiss in the Brannings' kitchen.

It must be the size of his packet. It certainly can't be his intelligence or his vocabulary. He's practically unintelligible. Perhaps it's the way he hangs his head to one side and lolligags his mouth open 98 per cent of the time.

Yeah, Joey's a real catch, especially with his minimum wage job of tending bar at the R and R.

So Whitney's big secret is that she slept with Joey. That's no big secret for Whitney. She's already slept with Peter and Fatboy, who still reside in Walford, and Ian did call her a walking STD.

So the big dilemma this morning is whether Whitney should confess to Tyler that she'd slept with Tyler.

I ask why?

I ask that because Whitney categorically stated to Bianca and Carol that she'd finished with Tyler the night before, that she and Tyler were finished, and that - instead of spending the night with Tyler, she actually spent the night with Joey, which horrifies Bianca. So if Whitney has actually finished with Tyler, that's that. No need to go out of the way and rub his nose in the fact that she slept with Joey. That's her business.

But somehow the insipid Whitey has this need, when she does something like this, to do just that - to rub the nose of the ubiquitous dependable bloke smack dab in the middle of the shit she's stirred. Why? Because it makes the guy angry, and he'll react adversely, and get angry with Whitney and make her feel even more like the victim she wants to be.

Gee, it wasn't her fault that she slept with Joey. After all, she's just a dirty girl, and Tyler is the one to blame because he really doesn't understand.

(Now where have we heard that before?)

All of a sudden, with this stark confession to Carol and Bianca, Bianca becomes a relationship advisor, which is more than making the pot call the kettle black. She's desperate for Whitney to rethink her position. Stay with Tyler - and most importantly - don't tell Tyler she slept with Joey.

Way to go, Bianca, and kudos for Carol remarking at the hypocritical efficacy of Bianca encouraging a young person to found a relationship based on a lie and a secret, something Bianca's never done - oh, wait ... she has.

(Note: Carol realises that Bianca was only fifteen years old when she had an affair with Dan - like Whitney and Tony. Why did no one mention "rape"?)

Now, Numpties, cast your mind back to January 2012, in the wake of Pat's death, when Ricky was truthful to Bianca about his one night stand with Mandy, when he was in an emotional and vulnerable state - right after she'd overreacted at his prison visit and screamed that she wanted a divorce. Remember when Carol was poisoning Bianca into kicking Ricky to the curb, and Bianca cited her own affair with Dan Sullivan, whilst she was married to Ricky the first time and whilst Dan was engaged to Carol? Carol brushed that off as "youthful indiscretion." Well, you see the proof here, written by none other than Simon Ashdown back in 1999. Does Carol give you the impression that this is "youthful indiscretion?"

Still, Bianca cautions Whitney to keep schtum, but Bianca the retard is too dumb to realise that Whitney's just itching to tell Tyler because Tyler's simply become the dependable bloke, the sort of nice guy, the type who bores Whitney.

In fact, in the heated discussion in the Butcher kitchen, Bianca even references the fact that Tyler is "a nice bloke," and later she tells Whitney that Tyler worships her. But Whitney is nurturing her victim mode, and she doesn't want to be worshipped. She wants to transfer her pity party full of poor self-esteem onto Tyler. She references guilt in the ultimate confession scene, but really what she wants is for Tyler to feel guilty. This is all about hurting Tyler, making him feel that he's the one at fault for not understanding her predicament.

The basic predicament is that Whitney was the victim of sexual abuse, and that's tragic. It's also true that such victims sometimes never get over this ordeal. But it's also true that many do and get on with their lives. Whether they do or they don't, there comes a time in a person's life that they have to take responsibility for their own actions - something Whitney and Holy Mother Kat have never done. For both of them, it's far too easy to play the "Dirty Girl," and to wallow in self-pity - oh-this-is-the-way-I-am-and-it's-your-fault-you-don't-understand-me - to the point that their partner is made to feel like a prize piece of shit for not understanding and thus, they shoulder the blame.

We've seen Alfie do this with Kat, and now, it's expected of Tyler.

Tyler is a simple lad (and a bad actor); he's also very young, and he's confused why Whitney is upset at Tony's death and why she's reacting this way. It's not his fault he sees things in black and white. I would hasten to say that I'll bet Whitney's still got the hots for Joey, because that was certainly the way she was acting around Tony.

And note how she surreptitiously let Bianca believe that it was Joey who came onto her, only to have Bianca confront Tony and get handed her skanky, skinny arse when he said Whitney had come onto him.  This is typical Whitney. Ever the victim.

It's not even that she was afraid of Bag O'Bones Beale spying her slink away from the Slater Arms in the early hours. Whitney had to put the boot in first with Tyler. That way, she could play the victim, when she couldn't with Lucy blabbing.

The fact that Lucy's still jealous of anyone hankering after that unintelligible meathead is beyond me.

As I've said before, I could perhaps sympathise with Whitney if she didn't look so slutty. She is Kat twenty years ago,and they both need a good scrub with carbolic soap.

Speaking of Kat, the great Kat-Bianca friendship is kaput. Good. I never bought into that, and it ended in a flurry of screeching and accusations and the formal ending of the tat stall. Neither one of them took it seriously. When one wasn't there, she could be found, usually, in the pub; and recently, each one has whined about the other going AWOL. Both singularly lack business sense, and now both, single mothers, have willingly made themselves unemployed. Nice one.

Of course, Kat makes a beeline for the bar, and later Bianca's shown hanging out there. Oh, and how obvious does it have to be that Kat and Alfie are still in love with each other?

And people wonder where The Daily Mail gets its stereotypes of feckless chav culture.

Who the Fuck Is Alice?

Bianca's not the only relationship expert on hand tonight. Now we're asked to believe in the expert reliability of Alice, a girl who only got to first base with her only boyfriend (before her pa and brugly other chased him out of town) and whose cherry got popped by the local psychopath.

Fatboy's enjoying the bromance of living in an all-male abode with the Masood men, to the extent that he's ignoring poor Poopy-La-Dim; so Alice confronts Tamwar and accuses him of monopolising Fatboy's time which could be spent with Poopy-La-Dim. Tamwar sees Poopy-La-Dim brooding in the Square and calls time on Fatboy's cooking.

Later, Alice tries to hone in on Tamwar's space for another reason.

Seriously, I don't know what's happened to Himesh Patel's character and who decided Tamwar should be turned into a monotoned bore of a geek. We know he hates his job, but is that the only job Tamwar can do? Well, it's the only job he can do in the Square, put it that way. Tamwar, as well, on occasion, could even be a forceful personality in dealing with a situation, as evidenced with his parents when they acted like jerks. Yet, he is utterly incapable of enforcing market rules and procedure. And he's suddenly become frightfully, painfully socially gauche.

Are we to believe this is all to do with Afia leaving? He never mentions Afia in the way Masood never mentions Zainab. Indeed, we don't even know if they're divorced. Tamwar was somewhat shy, but he was confident enough when he was part of the Darren-Libby dynamic, even when he was Darren's wingman when they both were seeing Jodie and Afia. Now he's regressed to a dolt. And what's happened to the college fund he was saving and Masood was matching?

Rumours have been swirling around out of Elstree that Jasmyn Banks has been lobbying for an Alice-Tamwar romance, and in the last days of Newman's watch, it looks as though this might be being developed, but once again ... why?

The couple have absolutely no chemistry, and it's obvious that Banks might be wary of her character's longevity considering one of the two main characters with whom she's been associated is leaving and Alice has always been a dodgy character with viewers. I suppose she feels Alice has to have a romance, and the last man standing is Tamwar. Plus it would fit in very nicely with Newman's rainbow vision of love and warmth.

Well, I hope DTC puts paid to Tamwar and Alice ... Who the fuck is Alice?

Jean Meanie.

Please stop telling me how loveable and understanding Jean is. Please stop it. Right now.

God, she's bloody annoying. And this has nothing to do with her bi-polar medical condition.

There are a few people on Digital Spy - people who should know better - who insist that Jean is suffering from a mental illness. She's not. Bi-polar is a physical condition. It's caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and is controlled by medication. Like angina or acne.

What Jean is, however, is pigshit thick. She is dumb. Stupid. Naive. She is entirely what Little Mo would have become in twenty years, even to the hunched shoulders and clasped hands. Now that she's got a fella, I fully expect her to screech out unexpectedly, Ooooooh Ollieeeee the way Little Mo would screech after Billy and the way Frank Spencer would do the same after his Betty.

Everything is in extreme with Jean. She can't empty the contents of her handbag without the contents exploding all over the place. She can't be surprised or joked with unless she starts nattering and screeching. 

And, like so many others, she uses her bi-polar condition as an excuse to behave badly on occasion, the most recent being doing criminal damage to Ian Beale's restaurant.

I take issue with her confession to Ollie over dinner tonight, about her reason for vandalising Ian's business premises.

We-e-e-ll, I suppose you could say he had it coming. Ian Beale can be a ... bully sometimes.

I find it positively gobsmacking that an ex-serving police constable bought that line. Had he been on duty when that happened, he'd have been obliged to arrest Jean. But, hey, since Ian didn't press charges, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm sick and tired of this constant meme of Ian being a bully and deserving everything that's happened to him. He doesn't. As much as Jean, Ian's actually had a mental breakdown and is still recovering from this. He gave Jean a job, paid for her extra training and tonight offered her her old job back, telling her how good a chef she really was. I only wish someone would clue Ollie in on what really happened that night, how the woman he's taken a fancy to, believes silly horoscope and pop psychology in women's magazines and accused Ian of sexually harassing her when he was actually professionally complimenting her. That's why Ian deserved what was done to him.

Two things: Ollie and Jean rushing upstairs to fuck on the second date. He knows nothing about her. As Jean ranted earlier, he knows nothing about her daughter the murderer or even her bi-polar; and she knows nothing about him. Why did his wife leave him? We only have his story and people can easily lie.

And the final thing: Jean in a mini-skirt. Please. She's a fifty-something woman, and there comes a time when such things must cease. The same goes for Shirley. Mutton dressed as lamb.

Isn't It Ironic?

Isn't it ironic that Lucy Beale accuses her father of the same traits she possesses - jealousy, greed, selfishness etc?

Isn't it ironic that Lucy scammed all the businesses and assets from Ian in a similar way he did the same to her?

I  hate how Ian's totally ignoring what Lucy did to him and how Peter, who wasn't anyplace to be seen last year as he was undergoing a head transplant and diction lessons in Devon, and Denise, who's supposed to be Ian's girlfriend, presume to lecture Ian on how he's manipulated and played Lucy.

Lucy, meanwhile, is acting like the incredible hulk, refusing to have anything to do with or co-operate with Ian, yet continuing to live under his roof and be supported by him.

I also hate the way Ian's going around on an apology tour, thanking Lucy for keeping his businesses afloat and saying that without her, he'd have lost everything. I want him to fucking man up and tell everyone how that snide, little anorexic, mouth-breathing bitch absolutely refused to allow him to live in his own home until he'd signed everything he owned over to her. The act was witnessed by her dodgy lawyer and Joey Branning who was humping her pathetic bones at the time.

Ian took back what was his, as well as the money he embezzled from her account, because he sussed that she didn't want him starting a restaurant or any business which might be in competition with her "empire." He even had to beg her to let him retain the stall, taking a pithy wage from her. 

He needs to tell the world that. I'm Team Beale here, and I want to see Alpha Ian return. Tell the world about Lucy's shenanigans, tell Peter to shut the fuck up as he couldn't be bothered to even contact his family last year and therefore has no right to comment on something he doesn't understand, and he needs to remind Denise that if she's going to be his snuggle-bunny, then she needs to stop the patronising act, because the last time a former Mrs Beale tried to patronise Ian, she ended up on the street on Christmas Day.

Yet another episode where nothing happened.

Final Observation: DTC should envelope Bianca into the Beale dynamic, as she's Ian's niece. She's more Beale than Branning, considering - like Ian - she never learns from her mistakes.

The Times They Are a-Changin' - Review: 29.07.2013

Ya hear the news, right?

Didja hear it? Huh? Huh?

Lorraine is out and DTC is now the main man.

The big (and surprising) news of the day is that Lorraine Newman has resigned, and Dominic Treadwell-Collins is now the new Executive Producer, with Daran Little returning to the writing room.

As much as I sympathise with Lorraine's position (and I do, honestly), she simply wasn't up to the job, despite being a team player for 23 years. She simply wasn't a leader.

As sudden as this seems to the viewers, believe me, it was anything but.

Just surmising, I would imagine the higher-up powers-that-be - the actually BBC, that is, and Kate Harwood - got a wake-up call at the BSA's. Ne'mind that EastEnders won the Christmas battle and came away from the NTA's with the Best Newcomer award. Then came the BAFTA, which further enhanced their false sense of security.

Alas, all was brought home by two painful truths - the total lack of success (being handed their arses by Corrie, Emmerdale and Hollyoaks) at the BSAs and the continual bleeding of viewers as the year progressed. Add to that the fact that Harwood and co recognised something the viewers identified, but Newman did not: there were no discernable storylines.

During this year, we've witnessed Coronation Street saw Karl set fire to the Rovers and kill Sunita, the surrogacy storyline between Gary, Izzy and Tina, David Platt going off the rails when he inadvertantly finds out his brother slept with and possibly impregnated his wife, Peter Barlow go bankrupt and Hayley deal with pancreatic cancer.

On EastEnders we've watched paint dry, including Lauren drunk, endless scenes repeated from every angle about Max and Kirsty, the beatification of Kat, the Magic Negro and Liam's gangabanga, Tyler, Joey and Dex-TAAA speaking another language, the Magic Negro walk the streets of Walford on perpetual patrol but never do a day's teaching, and finally we watch Dot wrestle wth a snake.

Where's the contest?

Coronation Street are promising the Karl murder reveal in the early autumn and a heart-wrenching Christmas as Hayley dies. 

EastEnders promises an exciting autumn.

On Corrie, Bev Callard and Bruno Langley - A-list characters of the past - are returning; on EastEnders, Michael French, Barbara Windsor (for one episode only) and Sam Womack are the returnees. So why are the press and media crying panic on EastEnders' behalf with these returnees? Because EastEnders has bled three million viewers in three years.

I suppose sometime after the BSA debacle, Harwood and Co approached Dominic Treadwell-Collins, who could at least concoct and execute dramatic storylines. He proved amenable to their suggestion and probably gave his notice to Diederick Santer and Lovely Day films. Then, I also suppose they probably told Lorraine her contract wasn't being renewed - hey, nothing personal, this is business. The sweeteners were probably a temporary extension to finish her current work whilst DTC beds in the beginnings of his, another cush job as an executive producer within the BBC (the Peter Principle at work), and allowing Newman the privilege of announcing her "resignation."

Changing times on the horizon. Who knows what will transpire? It's said that DTC's favourite character was Sharon, so Letitia Dean stands to benefit from his tenure. Peggy is also a favourite. He was responsible, during his watch, for creating the Mitchell Sisters, so Roxy (hoping that Womack's tenure really is six months) will benefit; and he's always thought Shirley was underused, so maybe we'll see her children return.

Perhaps (hopefully), we'll see the end of Ava the Rava, Sam, and their unpleasant little sprog Dex-TAAAA; Joey, MyAlice, Ajay, and that drunken old bloat, Cora.

I'm hoping for better things for Janine, the Mitchells and that Alfie and Kat might swan off together into the sunset.

Until then, it's just a waiting game; but hey, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a Bob Dylan moment.

This was yet another episode where nothing happened. Lots of noise and no content. And all this from a relatively experienced writer, Wendy Granditer.

The Wonderful World of Whitney.

Whitney thinks she's wonderful, when she's really dazed and confused.

Since Kirkwood's time, we've been asked to believe the myth of Whitney the Wonderful. Whitney the Wonderful knows more than parents know about children. She reckons she can hone in on three year-olds, who normally bite and pick at other children in the course of playtime from time to time, as evidence that they're being affected by their parents' quarrelling - knowing the parents in question, mind you.

Whitney the Wonderful was a forerunner of The Magic Negro, trolling the streets of Walford, offering gratuitous parenting advice to assorted strangers. It was Whitney the Wonderful who decided that Morgan Le Fat should be introduced to his retconned father.

But there's another side to Whitney the Wonderful. She's the dicktease who hooks up with the ubiquitous dependable bloke, only to ditch him when the next bad boy arises on the horizon.

She dropped that nice Todd for her step-uncle Billie Jackson. Ne'mind, that she'd only just met Billie that morning; she was in bed with him by that afternoon. When Billie dumped her, she promptly picked up with Peter Beale long enough for him to fall for her, before she started two-timing him for Connor, the next bad boy.

Ian was right to call her a walking STD.

After Connor, she wavered between Tyler and Fatboy, before settling with Fatboy and secretly lusting after Tyler. Eventually, after accepting (and not returning) various gifts (including a car) from Fatboy, she ceremoniously dumped him on Valentine's Day 2012, after finding him a job as a DJ at the R and R in recompense, before settling down with Tyler.

Well, the unintelligible Tyler has now become that infamous dependable bloke, ever since Tony inadvertantly messed with her mind again.

As I've said previously, I could sympathise and feel sorry for Whitney in this instance of her turmoil, if she didn't continuously present herself as a victim with a remit to behave badly and if she didn't look like such a raving little slut. Honestly, if I were a parent of any of those children at the Holiday Club, I'd refuse to send my children there to be ministered to by someone such as Whitney. At worst, she'd give them some sort of disease; at best, well ... there is no best.

Yet TPTB insist on presenting Whitney as someone who's good with kids, who was able to lift the reason behind a sad little boy's depression tonight - his mum was having a baby and he'd no longer be the little prince. All Whitney did was tell him how well she got on with her non-brother and non-sister (conveniently forgetting Liam) and that he should apologise to his mum, and - hey presto! - he began to paint a picture. (OK, he then ran out of the community centre, but that was only a contrived scene for Whitney to run into Joey, thus setting up some sexual tension for later).

Still, Whitney pulled it off. 

She certainly did with Tyler, although what she pulled off was the engagement ring. Whitney wanted to use their dinner together (at Ian's establishment from whence she'd been sacked) to talk about her confused feelings for Tony. This was after wanting Bianca to tell Tiffany and Morgan of Tony's death, especially since he'd been (in her words) such a big part of their lives.

I'm no fan of Tyler's, but I can understand his confusion. Whitney's abuse is something at some point he's going to have to discuss with her; but not within the public confines of a restaurant and with Whtiney sending out mixed signals - first that everything is fine and then that it's all about Whitney and she wants to talk about it. Now.

Tyler wasn't brushing her off. He was just saying that there was a time and place to discuss these things, and he was annoyed because he couldn't understand her conflicting emotions about Tony. Given a couple of other competent actors, and this could have been a powerful scene. Instead, we had Tony Discipline, who was barely intelligible, and lazy Shona McGarty.

Again, it was a contrivance to turn her to the steroidically-enhanced arms of Jahwah.

Joey must be horny, because he didn't put up much resistance to Whitney's greasy charm. He even called her "babe." Well, that was the only word I understood.

So now Joey has the dubious honour of having slept with Lucy, Lauren and Whitney. I hope they all find out and get an STD; or maybe he'll do a Jack and get them all pregnant. Or maybe they could all find out about Joey's indiscretion after a big torrential ran and descend into mud-wrestling for his affections:-

Either way, Whitney's at it again. Slut. I hope she's one of DTC's first casualties when he takes the helm.

Yuck scene: a ten year-old Tiffany plying her face with make-up. Talk about the sexualisation of children!

Two Horny Blokes Fighting for an Heiress; and Two Horny Scrubbers Fighting for a Numptie.

No, it's not Richard III and Henry Tudor locking battle-axes (as in Cora-the-Bora and Big Mo) over Elizabeth of York.

This is Magic Michael and the Mysterious Mr Pennant vying for Janine's attention. This is getting to be boring now. Yet another example of EastEnders' specialty writers' contest of seeing how many times a particular scene can be replayed.

Michael plays Janine; Janine plays Michael; Danny plays Michael.

Is it me, or am I the only one who thought Alice's sickness just might be morning sickness? Is she carrying the seed of the devil incarnate? What's clear is Michael Moon doesn't give a monkey's about her. He wouldn't. She's an instrument to be used at his pleasure for his convenience. She isn't a person to him. Neither is Janine, really; his aim and objective is to blight her confidence and self-esteem, as a mother and a judge of character.

I'm happy that Janine hasn't, as yet, risen to his bait. Michael wants Scarlett - not because he loves her (and it pains me to see otherwise intelligent people, some of the few who comment on DS and Walford Web, defend the fact that Michael "loves" Scarlett; he doesn't.) Scarlett is an object which Michael possessed and used to his fullest advantage. Now her mother has her, and Michael wants his plaything back. If that means the mother comes along for the ride, he'll have her also.

What he doesn't like to see is Janine in cahoots with another man - a young, single and attractive man, who's an alpha male who just might swing both ways.

Although his BBC biography describes Danny as bi-sexual, I wouldn't be surprised if he's more a moral reprobate (which would be an interesting character to have on the programme), who will do anything to achieve his end. He clearly disconcerts Michael, for his influence on Janine s much as for the sexual interest he's shown in Michael.

Well, this could be interesting. Is Michael affronted and wary of Danny because he, himself, is straight? Or could it be that Michael swings both ways, himself?

In the right hands, this could be very interesting and watchable. Over to you, DTC.

In the end, neither man won. Janine turned down Danny's dinner invitation for her daughter, and she stumped Michael by attending the Classical Music for Infants concert and bonding with a mother, herself. Janine marches forward. Let's hope this continues.

And on the other hand, we have poor pitiful Kat, putting a brave face on the fact that Alfie and Roxy are having an engagement party.

Kat's the reason Michael was late to the Toddler do. There was a totally weird scene with Kat, lolled on the Slater Arms' couch, clutching a bottle of red wine and with her tits hanging out all over the place, whining about "Essex" throwing a big bash just to rub her face in the fact that Roxy's won Alfie; sat across from her, a picture of control and repression, is the psychopath, buttoned to the neck, sitting stiffly and saying nothing.

I kept expecting Kat to jump his bones, which is what she really does when she's feeling sorry for herself. Kudos to him for recognising this and for leaving before anything happened.

But of course, we're all supposed to feel sorry for poor, pitiful Kat. Not.

Mean Mr Mustard.

I hate the fact that everyone is depicting Ian Beale as the bad man, even his son. Peter had the audacity to tell Ian that he'd have lost everything had it not been for Lucy this time last year, even mentioning that Bobby would have gone into care.

What a fierce load of bullshit!

Lucy was a very silly girl. She could easily have sought help from the authorities, reporting her father missing. She would then have been instructed to contact his creditors, who - under the circumstances - would have halted all proceedings until the matter was resolved and then in a different manner. And Bobby would not have been taken into care.

It seems the Beales have conveniently forgotten that Bobby has a mother - Jane, who adopted him. For some reason and despite profuse promises, Bobby hasn't seen Jane once since she left Walford. Her name never gets mentioned. Yet she is still Bobby's legal mother. She adopted  him. At anytime, she could apply for custody of the child. At that time, instead of going into care, Bobby would have been despatched to his mother's care.

Lucy neglected to pay the electric bill and was forced for several evenings to sit in the dark with Bobby, eating cold chips from the chippy. She succumbed to Derek's extortion, after targeting Alice. The only thing that saved her was JahWah, and that came with the price of her fanagling the businesses out of her old man, when he was in an emotional and psychological state.

Why Ian doesn't tell his immediate family and the godawful patronising Denise what happened is beyond me. The Ian Beale I knew wouldn't suffer being a martyr. Instead, he's going to suffer being led cock-a-hoop by this spoiled, pouty little stick insect, who's bound and determined to cause Ian another nervous breakdown through her inactivity.

Peter's afraid Ian's going to "lose" Lucy? Well, from the shit Lucy's handed Ian in the past, let her go. How rich of her to disown her father, yet continue to live under his roof and enjoy the fruits of his labour. She's another one I hope becomes a casualty of DTC's regime.

Men Behaving Sadly.

Masood is back from Pakistan. With Kamil. That's a big incongruity, because no way would Zainab, the Tiger Mom, allow her baby to go back to England and live with Masood. So now, we have the conglomerate of Masood, Kamil, Ajay, Tamwar and Fatboy living under one roof.

Tamwar is bullied again, by Kat, for doing his job. This is also an incongruity. Kat is being presented as the soul of compassion for people who need a bit of sympathy and understanding. She's, rightly, off with Bianca, for Bianca's selfish attitude towards Jean's fate during the restaurant vandalism. She's supportive of Alice and a believeable friend to Kirsty. But one wonders why she is so damned mean and bullying to Tamwar, when he's only doing his job, part of which is to collect the pitch rents from the market traders. I'd love to see him order her gone, with a back-up by the police and council officials, that would send a message to the other assholes on the market. The way Winston was overreacting was just stupid. They've always paid pitch rents before, why is now different?

Two other incongruities in one: Masood was invited to a spagbol dinner at the Butchers (as if the Masood of old would leave his baby on his first night back to cuddle up with his latest squeeze). When Bianca was helping Whitney prepare dinner, she remarked that Carol had gone to the Vic to meet Masood before bringing him over. Then, later, we find (as it's not sundown), Masood run into Tamwar, after the scene explaining he was with Carol, only for Tamwar to get a lecture from Masood about eating during Ramadan and his perception of Tamwar's recent loss of faith.

First, what the hell happened to dinner at the Butchers? Or has Masood suddenly remembered his faith and decided to wait until after midnight to sneak over for some nooky with his infidel four-by-four? He's a right hypocrite to lecture Tamwar about loss of faith, considering his behaviour in the wake of Zainab's departure. 

And second, he had a handful of DVDs to watch with Tamwar that evening. Are we suggesting that Masood had a sudden lapse of faith, downed some spagbol during sunlight hours, then rushed to the local DVD rental store and got two films to watch with Tamwar during the evening?

The mind boggles, as do the Masoods. And from Fatboy's choosing mates over dates, it's obvious that Poopy-la-Dim is on the way o-u-t.

Not before DTC's time, either. I fear the Masoods must follow.

Another endless filler episode.

For horny Masood and in memory of JJ Cale, who died this weekend.

David Wicks's Previous Two Lengthy Affairs

Please ... he only goes to Carol for comfort sex, when he's being psychologically punished for sleeping with his brother's wife or when he's mourning his mother's death.

Before he had his weekend tryst with Carol in the Nineties, this was his first squeeze ...

And then there was Cindy ...

For ANYONE Buying into the Retcon of a Peggy-Sharon Feud ...

... it finished in 2006. And here's proof. Everything they're selling for Peggy's return, her hatred of Sharon etc and the previous retcon of her not attending Lexi's christening because of Sharon's presence, it's all fucking lies. And TPTB should be called out on this. Who the hell writes this stuff anyway. Here's your proof that Sharon and Peggy are singing from the same hymnal.

An Example of EastEnders' Target Audience

Digital Spy's infamous xTonix poses this question:-

So why is it OK for other soaps like Corrie ED to spend millions on big stunts but not EE?

In a previous comment on the same thread, Brain of Britain (not) xTonix LOL'd (hyuck hyuck) that she didn't pay a licence fee. One assumes that either her parents pay it or the proprietors of the institution where she's incarcerated pay the same.

However, the answer is simple and lies in the licence fee.

Corrie and Emmerdale can pay whatever they want for sensationalist stunts because they receive the money from the corporations etc who sponsor them. Marks and Spencer sponsor Corrie. The money lavished on Corrie by Marks and Spencer comes from their sales. If you don't shop at M & S, your money isn't indirectly going into ITV's coffers to fund salaries/stunts for Coronation Street.

EastEnders, on the other hand, is funded entirely by the stealth tax known as the BBC Licence Fee. People who own a television pay for that privilege, and the licence fee goes directly into the BBC's bank account.

EastEnders is crap at the moment. I don't give a rat's arse what the paid apologists like dan2008 or the intolerant IceDragon1 expound or deficienti like the one mentioned above likes to say. Our money pays for EastEnders, and if, collectively, we're taking a risk by pushing a million quid into a slick stunt which may or may not work in getting bums on seats for the rest of the year and in which both actors participating walk away from the stunt (eventually), then it's fair for the public to say that that money may have been better spent.

Simples. Like xTonix.

Here you go, love ... this was just made for you ...

Mothers, Children, Manipulators - Review: 26,07.2013

I watched the show later tonight. I thought watching it, tired, might give me a new perspective.

It didn't.

Oh, woe is me, EastEnders! This week saw the show's viewing figures plummet to 4.8 million viewers. On a night when it wasn't in direct competition with Emmerdale (its main competitor now), Emmerdale still beat EastEnders' ass.

Let's get the excuses out of the way - ne'mind the hot weather, the royal brat or the fact that it was a "special week" for Emmerdale. The fact remains that EastEnders are struggling - and I mean seriously struggling here - to maintain 5 million bums on seats, much less the rarely occasional six. 

Look, I know that viewing tails off during the summer months. That's a given for all four of the major evening soaps, but the autumn "fixture" list, when the weather turns bad and the nights draw in, should be able to attract reliable viewers. Corrie recoups. So does Emmerdale, and probably HollyOaks as well.

But EastEnders ...

EastEnders is bleeding viewers. Hemorrhaging. Three million viewers have wandered off since last summer, and many probably won't return. If I had a pound coin for the number of commentators I've read on various fora who've said things like ...

Haven't watched in months. Don't miss it.

I turned off after Christmas. What a load of tripe.

Stopped watching in 2006. Just caught a couple of eps recently and was appalled at how much worse the quality has got.

2006 is the operative year. That's the year when EastEnders 2.0 started in earnest. The people praising EastEnders at the moment, apart from paid plant dan2008 and assorted village idiots who know who they are and need no naming, are people who started watching in 2006.

They're the ones who drooled obsessively at The Stacey and Ronnie Show, who beg for the one-trick pony known as Lacey Turner to return, who are creaming their knickers at the fact that Sam Womack's being paid what is probably a bitch load of money for a six-month stint and a shot at being forgiven for committing a heinoous crime. They're the Tanya-shippers and Sharon-haters. They're the ones who consider Phil a thug and hate Alfie.

Hell, let's be honest ... They're the lowest frigging denominator of viewer, and they're being mercilessly pandered at the moment.

The flagship show of the BBC is floundering into the no-man's land between CBeebies, a bad teen soap and the sunken ship known as ...

Before The Stacey and Ronnie Show, there was The Emily and Lindsey Show, AKA Tits and Ass.

And that, good people, as well as shoddy writing, bad research and retcon is what sank the good ship Brookside.

Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard.

The current crop of moppets on the show at the moment make me cringe. It's not just EastEnders. The likes of dippy Faye and Simon the Mancunian Midget on Corrie make me want to gouge my eyeballs out. But ranking right alongside our friends in the North come Tiffany, NuBobby and that minime Justin Bieber, Denny.

(I kid you not about Denny. Cop this!)

Professional kidults like all of the above make me yearn for the days when Martin Fowler didn't speak until he was twelve, when Vicky Fowler didn't sprout hair until she was nine and couldn't figure out that she was supposed to call Sue Tully "mum" so she came out with "Mumshelle."

Or when Kylie Stanlow, the awful Lindsay Corkhill's child sounded like the worst kid reciting lines at a Nativity Show.

They make me long for more of the silences of Amy, the gurnings of Oscar and the babblings of Kamil.

The writers either subsrcribe to the age-old myth of kids saying the darnedest things and write cutesy-cutesy dialogue for them, making them act too young for their ages, or they make them seven going on seventeen. I mean, in Coronation Street, Anna is reading bedtime stories to her eleven year-old adoptive daughter, who's really 13 in real life. Go bloody figure.

I wondered how long it would be before we got the ubiquitous Dennis-Goes-Off-the-Rails storyline, and I can see where it's leading. Phil saw the little bastard nuisance hanging around the Arches with an undue interest in an old slingshot, an apparatus that was too dangerous even for Jay and Dex-TAAAA to be handling. Those things are weapons, you know.

This is a key moment, as it's patently obvious that Sharon's initial representation as an over-protective mother, followed by her second coming as an indifferent mother, coupled with the fact that this lot of storylining clowns have completetly ignored any characterisation from the past and sought to re-present Sharon as a desperate, pathetic, clinging shitheap of a woman crazy to hang onto any man who'll put a roof over her head, now present her as the doting mother of one of the worst whining spoiled brats I've yet to see on the show, bar Tiffany.

Dennis demands, he's a sneak, a liar and all he has to do is pretend to cry and Sharon would swear to God that his shit doesn't smell. As someone else observed, we're entering the realms of Nick Cotton territory now, as Dot aptly remarked tonight. 

But fear not ... Dennis won't descend to the depths of Nick, because sooner, rather than later, Phil will put Sharon right about what really happened in the Arches to spark Ava Wars - honestly, the prospect of two fortysomething women built like brick shithouses scrapping over the attitudes of a seven year-old and an adult son is totally pathetic. (Remember, Dennis referred to Dex-TAAA as a "man," something Dex-TAAA rarely behaves like). What's next? Sharon and Ava mud-wrestling in the middle of the Square, Alfie selling tickets and Big Mo doing the odds?

Dennis's problem, as Phil will surely point out and as evidenced tonight in his first scene with Fatboy, is obvious. He's craving male company and a male role model. Cue Phil to the rescue. This will be the key to his reconciliation with Sharon. That's where this is leading.

I have to say this: I think the role of the kid could do with a re-cast. Harry Hickles is pretty, and was probably hired on that basis because - hey, we have to pander to the Shannisites in memory that fey Dennis Sr was a pretty man; but the kid is one of the worst stageschool brats on the show, and motherhood is one of the downsides of Sharon as a character.

I know, for the long-term viewer at least, the concept of Sharon returning from a six-year absence as a mother was never going to be easy, especially since she showed no interest in going down that route when she was Grant's wife, and she'd resigned herself to being childless with Dennis. The Vic was always Sharon's baby, but this 2012 model Sharon is just as fucked up as the 2010 version of Kat or Bianca post-prison.

Newman is committed to repairing Kat, yea unto the point of making her a saint; but she needs to remember that Sharon needs fixing also and badly. Whatever you think of her, she's an original character, far more iconic than Kat will ever be, and the daughter of Den and Angie. That shouldn't be forgotten. At the moment, I'm hating her, and as much as I hate the insignificant Magic Negro and all who gather around her, she was in the right tonight, apart from eye-balling a little kid, even if he were lying. That was threatening and menacing behaviour.

Like Tiffany and NuBobby, Dennis needs a smack and a re-cast.

On second thought, Brookside wasn't afraid to kill off a kid or two when their characters had reached the end of their tethers (or when the audience had). Just watch this.

Oh, and here's something to ponder for all ye who have forgotten or never learned to think critically ... Peggy's back for one episode. With Phil. And Sharon. Peggy is the only other person, bar Grant, who knows what Phil said to Dennis on the night he died.

Duff-duff moment much?

Lolita Revisited.

Of course, Whitney's bound to have confusing and conflicting feelings toward Tony, just as Kat had toward Uncle Harry or Ronnie had regarding Archie. But the difference between Whitney and the other two women is that Whitney was actively groomed, even believing she loved Tony King, and it's obvious now he was reaching out to her yet again, although I'm surprised, because during the child abuse storyline (which was more about Bianca than about Whitney), the gist was that Tony was losing interest in Whitney now that she'd turned sixteen and was legal. Instead, he was trying to insinuate himself with Lauren, who was a year younger and proper jailbait.

But I'd feel a lot more sympathetic to Whitney and her emotional plight if she didn't go off to the prison looking like a hooker selling her wares. Seriously, Shona McGarty's face really annoys me. Talk about the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd. Too much make-up, too much eyeliner and false eyelashes and the exaggerated lip gloss really makes this girl look like a whore.

However, in austerity times, the economically strapped EastEnders is using this as a lead-in to not one, but two storylines - Kat's redemption and Tyler's departure. Notice the standard Whitney line was in play tonight as the ubiquitous current Dependable Bloke followed her home, seeking to avenge her honour.

Whitney (arriving home): Ge'off me! Don't touch me! Get'im outa here!

Ever the victim, ever seeking to cast the blame on someone else (especially a male), making it seem as though Tyler - who's her fiance' - has been behaving inappropriately toward her.

Whitney was off to see the Wizard for one reason and one reason only - Tyler had morphed into the dependable bloke, someone who was working all hours and sleeping on the floor of the Vic in order to scrape together enough money for a deposit for a flat for them to rent. He'd become boring. Tony's letter, yes, messed with her head; but don't think it didn't cross Whitney's mind that she was now legal and maybe he still loved her. Tony was the bad boy again.

Same old same old.

Meanwhile, back at the Butcher Ranch, Bianca throws a party to celebrate coming off probation. Kudos to Kat, who gets line of the night tonight:-

Kat: You'avin' a party? I take it Jean's not invited then.

Bianca: No, and neither are you.

Kat: Comin' off probation! If they only knew the 'alf o'wot you done. You see, Jean, she's a bit different from you. Some people'ave consciences ... and some people'ave parties.

I'm still off Kat, but that was a cracking line, and it shamed Bianca, who - like Lauren - gets off a felony with the blink of an eyelid.

Now here's food for thought: Remember when Tony was discovered to have been a paedo? Cast your mind back to Christmas 2008. She and Bianca had a long talk in the wake of his arrest, because Whitney couldn't see that she'd done anything wrong. Bianca pointed out to her that Whitney had been having sex with Tony before she was sixteen and anything before sixteen is (in Bianca's words) rape.

This was the same Bianca who tried, a few months before, to pimp a fifteen year-old Whitney out to 21 year-old Callum Monks. When Whitney wasn't interested, Bianca wittered:-

Oh, Whit .. yer ain't afraid because 'e's twennyone now,are yer? Becuz when I was your age, I was mucking about wiv much older blokes ...

Or something to that effect, and she was. Who remembers that Bianca was fucking around with Dan Sullivan when she was fifteen, and Dan was a married man in his thirties.

And that, as Bianca would say now, is rape.

So why has no one ever referenced that, other than the fact that this would make Bianca the fourth victim of sex abuse currently living on the Square.

Overgrown Children.

Ian Beale.

I'm Team Janine, but even she is participating in this playground farce with her interminable mind games with Michael. He tries to undermine her confidence, she knocks his remarks back. Good, however, to see that she doesn't trust Danny as far as she can throw a stick. He's talking about executive high-rise flats in the area in a time of austerity?

But Janine is right to remind Ian that her money's invested in that restaurant. She removes the funding and Ian's up shit creek without a paddle. If he thinks he can get one over on her by threatening to reveal her past stints as a prostitute, does he not think she can reveal that he was her punter? He was none too good to take her money when she offered to invest in his venture. 

But Janine's going to get him where it hurts the most - by hiring Lucy to work for her.

For someone who knows the business game, Ian certainly knew better than to parade around the eatery advertising his staffing and family problems. 

And Abi Branning as a waitress ... is she even old enough to serve booze? And stop giggling.

Carl and Kirstie.

I like Carl, and I like the way they're easing him into the show. He's a good actor and an interesting character, but whilst Kat's semi-coming onto him to try to prove to herself that she, like Alfie, can move on, Carl is reciprocating because he wants to make Kirstie jealous, which is working also and will continue to work until Max returns and Kirstie starts whining about getting back with him again.

Please. Grow up. Just grow the fuck up.

Yet another filler episode on a Friday night.

Update: Silly me. I forgot the Masoods. And Fatboy. And Poppy. The Masoods are just biding time, as is Fatboy. But I see a light at the end of the Tunnel for Poppy now that the Salon's being sold. Ta-RAH, TOWIE-BRAIN.