Sunday, August 31, 2014

De Trop - Review:- 25.08-29.08.2014


The question of the week, peeps, is simple:- Are the Carters being overused, and are you getting pig sick of them?

Brutally put, in other words, are they the new Brannings?

Comments on various fora would indicate that they are being seriously overused. Of course, we are going to see a lot of them. They run the pub, but there's ever so much the propensity to inject them into each and every storyline that it's becoming ... well, a mite de trop.

I'm just getting over the fact that Sharon's big storyline isn't really Sharon's big storyline at all, when I'm hit with the fact that the Carters are being served up yet another "big storyline" in the shape of creepy Dean raping Linda. 

That's in addition to Lee's and Whitney's romance, the secret that Mick and Linda aren't married, the secret that hes Shirley's son,  Johnny's obvious romance with Ben, and the return of Sylvie. Add to that that somehow, someway the Carter clan will be involved in the resolution of Lucy Beale's murder and that just about makes it The Carter Show, starring the amazing Shirley Carter.

To be honest, the rape storyline doesn't surprise me in the least. In fact, I called it from the onset. Matt di Angelo gave a lot away when he disclosed the argument he had with DTC ...


... when he intimated he wasn't happy with this storyline. Stands to reason. If you care to remember, the last time he was around, di Angelo's character was axed. By Santer and his henchman, DTC. I appreciate that di Angelo saw Dean being paired off with Stacey, I did as well. In fact, I'd lobbied for the return of Dean Wicks for years, based on how much di Angelo had improved as an actor. There were avenues to be explored - the hint that he'd been raped in prison, for example, and certainly his relationship with his mother; but it seems that most of the previously axed characters making brief comebacks (Honey) are having a line drawn under them.

I guess that's true with di Angelo, which is a shame, because he's a good actor, and the show is low on the 25-40 male demographic. Dean has a shelf life. He'll be tagged as a rapist and leave the show, although somewhere along the line, there's bound to be a twist.

Already, the Carters' masks are falling, but somehow, something cynical deep inside me tells me that this storyline, like every storyline, will ultimately be about DTC's favourite: Shirley.

And Shirley is not Pat.


Babes in Arms: Let's Put on a Show! - 25.08.2014


Another filler episode treading water. The highlight was, undoubtedly, Phil foisting Rainie on a very surprised Cora. This is a relationship I want to see explored, especially as the last time Rainie graced our screens, it was all about Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. As brief as they were, Tanya Franks's scenes lit up the screen, and I'm looking forward to Cora and Rainie getting to the depth and the pit of both their addiction issues.

The rest of the episode consisted of bits and bobs and starter storylines. The central theme being parties for various causes. Besides family dinners, EastEnders likes impromptu parties. I watch a lot of old films, and there were a series of films a very young Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney would do, which always entailed some major difficulty, which was surmounted by the grand idea of ... I know what we'll do! Let's put on a show!

Tonight was much along the same line ... I know! Let's have a party for Patrick and invite all his friends! I know! Let's have a Cockney Carnival to cheer Linda up!

Last things first, another cheer-up-Linda time. This episode was really an optimum example of why the Carters need a big, long rest. They were ridiculous and annoying. Lee and Whitney especially. En route to the aborted carnival, Lee was acting like a cheeky fourteen year-old, and if Whitney giggled anymore, I was afraid she was going to choke. It's August - wasn't she a mite hot in that get-up? 

I like Linda, but the character is childish, and the entire family enables her behaviour with this constant little-girl-partytime they throw at her. People might have trouble believing this, but a Cockney Carnival would be just the sort of gimmick Alfie Moon would have tried when he had the tenancy of the pub, and - yes - Alfie would have worn the headdress, just like Mick. OK, I get that all of this was to cheer Linda up, initially, and hope for the best that she'd forgive Mick for his covering for Ian; but it took a different turn when Ian and his party entered the pub, which was what the eventual crux of this storyline was going to be - Mick, finding his balls amongst the pink flamingoes. It just seems that all of the instant carnival tat and the giggling and screeching that went with it on Whitney's and Lee's part, was totally unnecessary and was just inserted in order to give the Carters that much more screen time - not to mention Lee's vaguely racist headdress. (What is it about EastEnders and subtle racism lately?)

Topping that, we had the return of Tina stinking up the place. It's obvious the actress has been on holiday somewhere warm and sunny, comparing her tan with Whitney's paleness. I'm no fan of Tosh, but I find her a lot more sympathetic than Tina, who can't keep her one brain cell focused on anything for more than five or ten seconds. Tosh isn't worried as much about her child being without a father as much as she's worried about the lying, stealing, cheating piece of flesh with whom she lives remaining committed. Besides, who wants to go into a pub for a drink, only to hear the details of two women actively trolling the internet for a sperm donor? Still, the Carters are nothing, if not classy.

And did anyone even think to get a message to Nancy, who was supposed to be meeting the crew at the Notting Hill Carnival?

Rudolph Walker continues to play a blinder and is very convincing as a stroke victim in the throes of recovery. The thought of Ian sitting in a pub with an elderly disabled man whom he's manipulated into keeping schtum about Ian's kerb-crawling, whilst Ian's other confidante is planning to come clean about the situation was ironic. But, please, less of this "mah-fairmlie-'is-fairmly" rubbish.

The other high point was the scene with Steve McFadden and Letitia Dean. Written correctly, these two still light up the screen with chemistry. There was a familiarity and comfort, even in the bickering, of an older established couple. Whatever happens with Sharon and Phil, I hope what she plans to do to him makes him think again of who she is and how much he should appreciate her. Sharon saw him with Rainie and wouldn't let go until she got the truth from him. She quickly smelled a lie and got told the truth. Now Phil's lied to her, and she knows that Ian's lied as well. But Sharon is right - Rainie is not Phil's problem. She's Ian's, as far as the blackmail is concerned; but Phil takes the mountain to Mohammed and hands the problem that is Rainie back to Cora.

Is it me or is Dot becoming increasingly annoying almost to the point of being smug? I thought she was incredibly rude to Cora. Whatever Cora's reasons are for avoiding Patrick - and they have to do with her own husband's illness and with her having sussed the truth about Rainie- it's not up to Dot to pass judgement on Cora's decision not to attend Ian's party for Patrick. Dot's riding high off her own good opinion of herself, based on the fact that she has a grandson living with her who isn't what or who he says he is. Usually when Dot's acting smug and unbearable, she's headed for a humongous fall, and that most definitely will concern Charlie. It seems she's trying to hint to Fatboy that he has to leave, as all of a sudden, she's quoting the Council rules on tenants chapter and verse. She did this once before, remember, when Max and Bradley were living with her and Nick showed up with Dotty/Kirsty? She kicked them out to accommodate Nick and his daughter. Now that SuperCharlie Psychopath has moved in to work miracles, Fatboy is surplus to requirements.

Finally, if this is the best leaving line they can come up with for Patsy Palmer, then I truly hope Bianca doesn't return. Terry's a nice enough bloke, but why this clandestine love affair? His wife has gone, and she's single. They're adults and have no one to whom they can answer. I don't understand the public hostility unless this is some sort of role play sex game, the likes of which they touched on with Ricky and Bianca back in Santer's time. This is a rushed together piece in which we know Terry will leave and Bianca will go with him. It would have been nice to have seen Sid Owen return for a few episodes and the family swan off to a happy ending in Australia. We know that if Bianca comes back in a few years time, odds are that Terry won't be with her. This is an awful departure line, and Donna is plain vile.


The Best of Times and the Worst of Times - 26.08.2014



Charles Dickens, it ain't, but against the backdrop of Lucy's death, here's what made the episode work:-

1. DI Keeble. She is, to Ian, what Marsden is to Phil, and I hope we haven't seen the last of Marsden either. Keeble mentiioned a few weeks ago that she had a new boss. I'm wondering if we'll see Marsden as the net closes in on the killer (especially if the killer is a Mitchell). I like her icy, professional facade. She called Ian and Peter into the station for a purpose - to gauge their reactions to news about the appeal and for the specific news that they were interested in the beanie-hatted man on the bus (whom we have now identified as Jay). The police may well want to speak to this person, if for no reason other than to eliminate him as a suspect, but then, if DI Keeble is super-cool, Emma Summerhayes is just about the dumbest, most inept and unprofessional copper on the beat.

She's already slept with Max Branning, no less than a suspect in the case, and - thereby - has tainted the investigation; and tonight, she was actually telling the Beales more than the police would like anyone to know and what she was telling them was pure stupidity. The police think they've got their man? How? Jay - or whoever it could have been - got off the bus with Lucy and went in the same direction as she did on the Common. If Summerhayes were using her other braincell - the one rendered useless by the very thought of Max's sexual prowess - she'd have realised that Lucy was on her way to the common in order to meet Jake Stone (another man who's been eliminated from the enquiry) at a nearby café. Did Beanie Man follow her there? Has another witness come forward who said this? We know that Lucy and Jake took a cab back to the Square. Was Beanie Man hanging about?

This is what we know about Jay - that he was the guy with the beanie and that he appeared in the Minute Mart the next morning, buying bleach and cleaning supplies because Ronnie wanted the house scrubbed down after the party. We can surmise that he was on the bus because he was off to meet Ben, but we still don't know that, so why was Summerhayes literally pissing herself hinting at something that Keeble was quick to smack down?

Keeble is as good as Summerhayes is dippy.

2. Cora and Rainie (and Stan, of course). Easily surmised that Ann Mitchell, Tanya Franks and Timothy West stand head and shoulders above the rest of the actors on the show. Forget your Tanyas, the relationship between Cora and Rainie is electric. If DTC has done nothing right, he has, at least, brought a sympathetic Cora to the fore and made her likeable. I felt very strongly for her tonight. You felt the palpable tension in the room when Cora confronted Rainie desperately searching for money, when she found the photo of Ava and Dexter (puke) and Cora steeled herself to tell her about Ava, after Rainie assumed the worst about Dexter and Cora.

On the other hand, you couldn't help but feel for Rainie, when she asked why Tanya knew about Ava and she didn't. That was, at least, good continuity on the part of the writer, because Rainie was having counselling then, was clean and had sent her sponsor to say she was afraid of meeting Cora, of coming to Tanya's abortive wedding, because Tanya and Cora fed her addiction. You could literally cut the air of desperation for both Cora and Rainie, when Rainie ran out on her, and Cora was left, sitting helpless.

Opening up to Stan should have helped. Stan was an alcoholic and has a daughter who is also a functioning alcoholic. For all Stan talked about the worry children give parents, he still was quick to condemn Cora's daughter, to her face, as scum for "bringing my Mick to court." Cora's cutting line was the best:-

I think your Mick managed that all by himself.


 I didn't begrudge Cora her desperate drink after that, sneaked into the Beale household, only to be met with scant hospitality from Denise. I imagine Patrick welcomed the tipple as well, because I also imagine it's quite nerve-wracking for a formerly active man like Patrick to be fussed over excessively by Denise. After his incident with the social worker, I suppose Patrick needed that swig as well.

Beautiful and poignant performance from Ann Mitchell, and beautifully desperate performance by Tanya Franks, who captures an addict's desperation perfectly.

For some reason, in the scene in the pub between Rainie and the Carters, I was totally Team Rainie. Most viewers would recognise that an addict would do anything for a fix of some sort. Rainie couldn't get the money she needed for a hit, so she was opting for a drink and carried through with the fiction of Mick being a punter. Stan knows who she is, but Saint Mick just wants shot of her to save face. Now, all of a sudden, his secret (which is actually a lie) is out and in front of his daughter, producing an absolute hoot of a line from Nancy and an apt observation.

Linda: It's not true. He lied. To protect a mate.
Nancy: What mate?


And that's essentially true. The Carters haven't been in the Square long enough to have established any real friendships - at least, the two core kidults (Mick and Linda) haven't.

3. Absolutely Patrick. Rudolph Walker continues to play a blinder. He has the essence and mannerisms of a stroke victim down to a tee. The participants in this storyline and the writers have done their homework and research, which is amazing, because - as we've seen and still see -research isn't this writing room's strong point.

And here's what didn't do it for me:- 

4. Beale the Father and Beale the Son get shirty about Beale the Holy Ghost. Someone recently posited that Peter might just be the killer, so anxious was he about clues and leads, mostly to see if they point at him or if someone else might be in the frame. Remember, we still don't know where Peter was, nor has that question been explored.

Ian is a complete coward and a weasel, and an arrogant one at that, and such entitled presumption! When Mick informed him that he couldn't continue lying for Ian, Ian's instant response was ... Why not?

What a prick! Mick is a man whom he's known five minutes and on whose sympathy he preyed to cover his own sordid secret. Suddenly, for Ian, this has all become more about saving his own face than about finding the killer of his daughter. In fact, the "saint Lucy at the heart of his family" speech he gave yesterday was more about reminding Patrick of the awful trauma which had befallen Ian in comparison to the dirty little story Patrick had found out about Ian.

As for Peter, he's just an arrogant deadbeat and a snob. I hate the way both he and Dean treat Lola, looking down their noses at her as if she isn't good enough. Dean promises her a trial at the salon and ends up treating her like a skivvy. Peter can't even be bothered to remember she got a trial, Here's another day Peter isn't on the stall, yet Lola is trying to find a job to support herself and Lexi, yet Peter's dreaming of travelling the world with Lauren on a ticket provided by Ian.

Watching Lauren reminds me of the last years of Brookside, when it ceased to do quality issue storylines and devolved into a welter of tits and arse. Hire an actress for her looks, put her in a low-cut top and have her bend over. In this episode, Lauren - whose funny voiced delivery increasingly sounds as if she's on helium - managed to hide her acting inability behind an expanse of leg and a deep cleavage. Because she made a spoiled brat remark about the police that mirrored the same remark made by Peter, he thinks they've bonded. Lauren thinks he loves her because she's a link for him to Lucy, when he really thinks he loves her because she hides her trailer trash roots better than Lola by scrubbing up well. At the end of the day, she's as much a deadbeat and a moocher as Ian. I hope they both take a long trip around the world and get lost.

And I hope Lola smacks the shit out of Dean, who's even more of a nobody than Lauren or Peter. She has more honesty and class in one strand of her peroxided hair than that trio put together.

5. Twit Mamas. How much of this episode was about two unlikeable lesbians trying for a baby. Tosh is worried she won't be a good mum, Tina cheerfully admits that she was never a good mum. She wasn't ready to be one. Is she now? She still lies and steals, has an innate dishonesty and is breaking the law. At the drop of a hat, she'd cheat on Tosh. And is yetanother baby on the way?

6. The Carters are wearing thin. Very thin at the moment. Mick can't sleep because of a situation he willingly got himself into. Someone else wondered if there were a place today in 21st Century London where a landlord and his family would be so shunned at the revelation that he'd got caught kerb-crawling. I don't think the customers would bat an eyelid. Could it be that the good folk of Walford just aren't that much into the Carters as yet? Apart from Shirley, who's mostly deeply unpleasant, the rest of the family are strangers in a strange land.There have been times when the pub has been near empty, and they've worried about custom. Their tenure so far has existed from lurching from one special event to another - pool tournaments, karaoke nights, Cockney carnivals - usually to cheer Linda up. Other times inbetween the place is quiet. Regulars like Dot haven't warmed to their attempts to show friendly, they've angered the Jackson-Butchers, and we don't see Max in the pub as much these days.

The fact that Linda's constantly worrying when the place is less than heaving juxtaposed with both them showing excessive bonhomie during these special nights makes me wonder if the local yokels think they're trying too hard, and I wonder if the EP isn't trying to hard to foist them upon us. Don't get me wrong. I like them, most of them, but lately, I find myself going off Mick, being indifferent to Linda and wondering if Lee isn't the next Tyler?

Better episode than the night before, thanks to Mitchell, West, Franks and Walker. 


Screaming Does Not Mean You Are a Good Actress - 28.08.2014


It simply means you can scream.

The best things about this episode were Diane Parish, Kellie Bright and the divine Maddie Hill - oh, and the brief appearance by Tanya Franks.

Ian and Mick are just short of despicable. That's right. Saint Mick, and Ian even moreso.

At the end of the episode, at first I wished that they'd spent more time on Denise and Linda, who found the tables turned on their own positions, with regard to the kerb-crawling episode. Until now, Denise had never fathomed that such a thing could even involve her. She actually trusted Ian, but what I do love about Denise is her unflailing honesty about what happens to her. She was the first to admit that she had judged Linda in the wake of Mick being accused of and admitting to kerb-crawling, and she admitted it directly to Linda's face, which is what Denise always does. In return, Linda is conflicted - uneasy because Denise is adamant in wanting to speak to Mick, wanting to hear from himself directly why he lied for Ian; naturally (because she's Linda) feeling morally superior and justified in proving the public perception of her wrong; wanting to condescend to Denise, but after hearing how raw Denise's hurt was, being reminded of how raw her own disappointment in Mick was, so recently.

I loved Denise's apt assessment of Ian as a toerag, and wanting to know if Mick were on Ian's slug level, and how she inadvertantly unleashed what remained of Linda's insecurity and her incipient mistrust of Mick. Denise's moral standards are high, and rightly so. When she announces to Linda that she planned on waiting for Ian to leave before nipping into the house, packing a bag, grabbing Patrick and leaving. Denise has been royally let down by Ian, and she tells Linda that she can't live with a man she couldn't trust. And with her last line to Linda, she waters the seed of doubt about Mick planted in Linda's heart and mind.

Linda: Even if he's only let you down once? (Obviously, referring to her own circumstance with Mick).
Denise: Once? This is only the first time. This is only the beginning.

When Mick returned to the pub, smug and confident at having restored his place as the paterfamilias of a solid family unit, Linda couldn't stand being in the same room with him, much less being able to look at him.

Brilliant, brilliant and understated performances by both women, especially Denise's final scene where she forgave Ian. The empty look on her face tells me that there's an unspoken "but" hanging in the air, which will be addressed tomorrow night. And for the record, her trapping of Ian into confirming Rainie's story, without even referring to it, was a blooming masterpiece.

Interesting that Nancy's and Mick's scenes were juxtaposed with Ian's and Cindy's.

I'll say it straight. I don't like Cindy. I don't feel her pregnancy was necessary, and I find her an unsympathetic and unlikeable character. I know we've had scenes of grubby knee-tremblers in alleyways with Kat and, years ago, Laura Beale. We've had Phil and Mel and later Grant and Jane over the kitchen table, and Jack with his ex-wife over his desk in the R and R; but there was nothing quite so common as the scene where Liam was buckling up his trousers and Cindy was hoisting up her skirt flat on the floor of the Beale lounge (herself, pregnant at the time) in post-coital situation. Months later, Ian and Jane had sex in the same place, and today, Cindy gave birth there - all the while with Patrick lying upstairs. I hope Denise leaves Ian to clean the front room thoroughly.

Cindy's innate immaturity was abounding tonight, obvious evidence that she is neither ready to be a parent nor was she prepared to have a child. She takes a five-hour train journey after her waters have broken, and she objected to her guardian wanting to adopt her child. Pardon me, but isn't Gina Cindy's legal guardian? And where does Ian get off saying that Bev and Gina Williams weren't exactly his favourite people? He never had any beef with Bev, who was a very sensible woman, and IIRC, he wasn't above snogging Gina a few times.

All the actress who played Cindy did was scream, moan and whine about nobody liking her, everyone hating her yadda yadda, and throughout the birth scene we had the camera pan slowly across pictures of Beales and Fowlers past until coming to rest and lingering on a professional shot of Michelle Collins as Cindy, signifying the birth of the latest woman to be born with the Cindy gene. At the end of the ordeal, we even had Cindy sorta kinda given honorary Beale status by Ian telling her she reminded him of Lou Beale.

W. T. F?!

Lou Beale could be unpleasant and blunt, but she was selfless and possessed uncommon good sense. Cindy is thoughtless, selfish, entitled and self-centred, and a manipulative little wotsit, knowing exactly how to get to Ian by mentioning Cindy and remarking that she feels close to her mother in Ian's house. OK, she has a half-brother there, but no one knew her mother like her grandmother and her aunt. She is nothing to Ian, no relation, no kin, so Ian remarking that she could stay would entail him obtaining legal guardianship of both Cindy and her baby, and I'll bet we can guess what she'll name the child - at least until November re Cindy, which is when she turns sixteen ...

... and that brings about something decidedly creepy about Ian and Cindy, in juxtaposition to the scenes with Mick and Nancy.

I have to ask this, and I'm not afraid of the blowback, but consider the fact that Ian has a propensity to have sex with women or to want to have sex with women whom he knew when they were little girls (and he was an adult - Janine, Clare Bates), we know he still harbours feelings for the late Cindy and we know he's going to be a blubbing, jellyfied mess when Denise dumps him (which I think she will), so ... how long after November will it be before Ian starts bonking Cindy?

Cindy is a kid, but Ian has always spoken to her and treated her like an adult, and she speaks to him as an equal and not in any way like a very young person would speak to another adult. And Cindy has the Cindy gene.

It's repulsive and probably offensive, but consider that Ian is a pervy and very repulsive little man at the worst of times. It's not beyond ken.


The other creepy element of the episode was the preponderence of pictures of Cindy in the Beale front room. Someone else pointed out that there was also a picture of Jane. I'm not saying that pictures of these women have no place in the Beale household, just not in the front room. They belong in the bedrooms of their children, not in the family room where the current Mrs Beale abides. Besides, if Jane's picture is prominent, what about Laura, who was Bobby's birth mother? And we need to be reminded of the fact that Cindy and Ian were horribly estranged at the time of her death. She was actually in prison for attempting to have Ian killed,

On the other hand, the scenes between Mick and Nancy were electric. This is what I've been waiting for from Maddie Hill, and this was the defining moment of Nancy's character. I punched the air when Mick told Nancy that he loved her, and Nancy shot right back with the line about love being different from respect.

She is so right, and she pinpointed exactly the rotten core of Mick's personality. Line of the night goes to Nancy:-

Do you really hate women that much?

Mick can plan all the parties and pantomimes in an effort to cheer up Linda, he can manipulate her into doing what he wants and think that she'll be happy with a kiss, a cuddle and a bonk, but he doesn't respect her, and all the animosity he felt toward women in general was summed up in his remark about Rainie being scum. No man who respects a woman would fail to see and have compassion for a woman as fragile and broken as Rainie. Nancy felt for her, even Linda did. But Mick is his mother's son, and Shirley's reaction to Rainie would have been identical to Mick's and to Stan's. He feels a moral superiority of which he's not worthy. Maybe this was an epiphany for Nancy as well, who's stood by in the past, alongside Mick, and allowed Shirley and Tina to lambast her mother to her face, with Mick saying nothing.

The lesson about respect being a two-way street meted Mick by Nancy was beautiful. She really is the adult in that family. She's twenty-one, and Mick treats her like a kid. Mick's answer?

You are a kid. You're my kid. You'll always be a kid.

No, Mick, she won't. She'll always be your child, but she isn't a kid and she shoudn't be treated as such. I'm glad she pointed out to him that his lies, however much they were meant to protect her and her brothers, shouldn't have been lies at all; and I'm delighted that she called him out for patronising her, because when you treat an adult like a kid or a small child,which is the way Mick treats his children, that's enormously patronising and disrespectful. It's also a means of passive-aggressive bullying, which we've seen enough of him doing to Linda. It's control. And Nancy called it.

At the end of that, the scene of them sitting in the swings of the children's playground, holding hands between the swings, illustrated magnificently that Mick the manchild was yet another weak EastEnders' man. Notice that it was Mick who reached for Nancy's hand first.

And notice that the only reason Rainie came clean to Denise (besides thinking she knew and catching Ian in a lie) was because Mick had deemed her scum.

Good episode, spoiled by the return of yet another unlikeable young female character. 



By Jove, I Think He's Got It - 29.08.2014


Without a doubt, this was the best episode in a long time, all about home truths coming out, and yet a few lies still hidden. The Beales have not come out of Lucy's murder looking at all well - neither father nor son, both of whom are more deserving of solid smacks, if nothing else. Heroine of the piece - easily Denise. Most sympathetic? Easily Lola, who managed to make prize POS Peter look like a small, slimey turd. And, once again, Ann Mitchell and Tanya Franks delivered.

The only downside of the episode was the return of Shirley. I don't care what DTC wants us to think. We all know she's his personal favourite and that he's hell-bent on foisting her upon the viewers as the go-to character, the new matriarch of the new-style Albert Square, and that her reconstructed family are a smokescreen for her eventually fronting the Vic. Beforeanyone, starts pushing back on that, that is my opinion. It may be wrong, but it also may be right. Shirley doesn't work. He can concoct as many shaggy dog stories as he wants about her tragic, sorrow-ridden backstory, which we never had occasion to hear before 2014, but it still doesn't belie the fact that she's the rotten core of the Carter family - the bitter, entitled, self-victimised, walking pity party who uses all of the above defence mechanisms as an excuse to be rude and behave badly toward others. It doesn't work for me, but what's interesting is seeing how her innate rottenness is now boiling to the surface with Mick's true colours showing.

After everything that's happened, I hope Sharon bests Phil; but since DTC is totally besotted with anything Mitchell and with Shirley, I don't see Sharon's triumph on the horizon. Pfffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt!

The Fox Dumps the Weasel. Good. Even though it won't make a blind bit of difference, Denise needed to hand Ian his arse. Denise is one of the two most honest characters in the programme (more on the second one later, but you can guess who the second one is). She truly is a good person, and her confrontation with Ian only proved what a thoroughly despicable, scurvy, slimey scumbag Ian really is. As I've said before, the Beales - these Beales - are not nice people. Lucy wasn't, Ian never has been, and Peter certainly isn't.

Denise met the situation head-on and stated the bleeding obvious - that she and Ian, two lonely people, who happened to chance together, merely settled for each other. Of course, Ian was totally unaware of and unprepared for the home truths Denise served up to him. He is such a totally self-obsessed and selfish person, concerned only about himself and, to a great extent, any one of his relatives (and non-relatives) who carry the fated "Cindy gene." He was totally unaware of Denise's unhappiness, as he wailed about how unhappy he was -being the reason behind his cheating.

But this is Ian. This has always been Ian. Whenever he's been unhappy in a relationship, he seeks sexual solace elsewhere - unhappy with Laura, so he sleeps with Janine, whom he first knew when she was five years old and he was a married man. Unhappy with Jane and he sleeps, first, with Janine again and then with Glenda Mitchell. He was unhappy with the situation at home on the night of Lucy's death, so he kerb-crawled - another activity in which he's participated for over twenty years. Of course, he was oblivous to Denise's discomfort and unhappiness, because Denise didn't matter. She was "the help". When it came to a "family" portrait for Beale's, he opted for his ex-wife, whom he'd trash-talked not only to Glenda Mitchell (comparing Glenda to the Premiership and Jane to Division One), he'd also trash-talked her to a prospective client, and a snotty brat of no relation to him other than being the issue of his ex-wife's lover at the time of her death. He'd rather have included those people than his Afro-Caribbean partner.

He was taking Denise for granted, even at the point when he and Jane porked it out on the living room floor, and in the afterglow of that moment, Ian immediately began plotting how he could get Denise to leave. But Denise still doesn't know about that infidelity, does she? And the penny didn't drop far for her to figure out Ian's manipulation of Patrick in his sordid little secret.

Her quiet and determined strength and her solid character is one of the reasons why Denise is one of my favourite characters on the programme. In the midst of this whole brouhaha, Ian tried to turn the tables on Denise, reminding her of her behaviour at the engagement party. As far as Denise has gone in straying in this relationship has been that furtive kiss with Fatboy, and I'm glad she threw his identity to Ian tonight - as Arthur and not Fatboy, another adult who wanted her as a woman.This was nothing compared to what Ian did to Denise, and he still hasn't told her about his tryst with Jane. Accusing Denise of taking the morale high ground and implying she wasn't entitled to that, when his little venture with Jane has yet to be exposed, but it was lower than low, when he brought up Kevin, Owen and Lucas as if their foibles were Denise's fault.

I wish there were someone to inform Denise of the time Ian Beale lied about his young daughter having cancer, just to keep Melanie in his bed.

The other big revelation Denise got was the fact that Linda Carter had been lying all along about not knowing about Ian and the prostitute. Everyone around her was keeping that secret - the Carters, Phil and Sharon. Phil and Sharon surprised me. After Phil told Ian he had to front his shame out, they then go, ring Michelle (I was right, she does live in Northern Florida - Pensacola, which means Ian's probably flying to Atlanta and getting an internal flight), and organise an escape route for that night. Ian is a coward, and Sharon and Phil aren't protecting him, they're enabling his cowardice. Still, Peter the Prick was in no position to shoot him that judgemental glance at the end of that scene either, not with the shenanigans in which he's been involved, the snobbish, ungrateful, little cur.

I was totally Team Denise, and I was literally in tears (one of three times tonight) when she returned, after blessing out the Carters, to Patrick's shattered flat, to cry amid the debris. So much symbolism - Patrick, finding the picture of himself and his two sons, cracked and crushed in the break-in, one son dead and the other disowning him, and all the rest of the shattered and mangled house a symbol of Denise's life with Ian. Very strong and very poignant.

The other thing which stuck out like a sore thumb during the Denise-Ian kerfuffle, was the dominant presence of yet another picture of Cindy Beale, looming in the background. Pictures of Cindy have a place in the Beale household, in the bedrooms of Cindy's three (now two) children. She was estranged from Ian at the time of her death, and she'd tried to kill him and take his children, after having had an affair with Ian's brother. Until this year, we'd never seen prominent pictures of Cindy in the Beale front room, and such prominence probably didn't do much to enhance Denise's sense of belonging there either. We never saw overt pictures of Cindy when Ian was with Mel, Cindy and certainly not Jane, so why are they being so emphasised now?

Team Denise and the Carter Non-Team. Mick Carter is unraveling, and now we get to see what's beneath that Mr NiceGuy/Good Dad exterior. He's a weak and petty man with a strong strain of misogyny, rank in his male privilege. Let's say rank in his white male privilege.

For Mick, this is all a done thing. It's all out in the open, everyone knows the truth about the real kerb crawler, so can everything just go back to normal, please? He hasn't given a thought to either Ian or Denise, but Linda has, and that's the problem. What's really bothering Mick is that Linda won't play ball - and that means she won't be apt to playing with his balls, so he's unable to convince her that everything's all right. Because "L" is so shallow, all it takes is a kiss and a cuddle, to bring her around to what he wants. Or so he thinks.

Linda's got a conscience, and she's worried about the fact that she had to tell Denise a bare-faced lie about the fact that she'd only just found out about Ian. Lies beget more lies. Mick lied for Ian, and now Denise is lying for Mick -except she knows that Ian will probably out the truth to Denise, and the Linda will smell like old cheese. Mick has let her down, and she isn't forgetting that either. It worries her.

You're my girl, you know that? I'm nuffink wivout you.

Do you really think she believes that now, Mick? And into the fray comes DTC's designated heroine, Shirley. The downside and underbelly of the carter amorality.

What annoyed me about this storyline, apart from Shirley, was Sharon's pithy non-advice to her friend, Linda. When Linda asked rhetorically why Mick did what he did, all Sharon could offer was that Mick lied for Ian, as in Mick euphemistically died for Ian's sins, as if it's perfectly normal for Mick and anyone to want to lie to protect Ian.

And that's where, not only Denise, but also Stan and Cora come in. Mick, like his seedier relatives, is quick to cast blame for his current predicament. Ne'mind, he agreed to cop the blame for Ian's crime, this is all Cora's fault for making a public issue of the mess. So Mick's instant solution is to bar Cora, until Stan informs him that the prostitute Ian saw was Cora's daughter.

I know we've been inundated with Carters of late. They've taken over storylines, infiltrated them. Better actors, they are just as annoying as the Brannings. But tonight, their happy clappy, morally superior shell was cracked - first by Cora, who took the right stance to front it out and apologise publically to Mick for wrongly accusing him. That took guts, courage and character, yet Mick responded sullenly, pettily and like a spoiled child who refused to own up to his own shortcomings. He didn't even look at Cora, nor did he attempt to stop Shirley's vile tongue from flapping and spewing all sorts of shit at the old lady. As if Shirley, a mother who abandoned her children, who tried to kill one child, is morally fit to judge Cora's shortcomings. Linda was giving short shrift too, all three united in being as mean as possible to make Cora suffer for her presumption when - if anyone cared to remember - Mick pleaded guilty to the charge.

He didn't have to do that, but he did, and he wasn't to know Cora's circumstances with Rainie would lead to her accusation. Cora's behaviour, in that situation, was determined by Mick. She apologised, and he looked as though he would rather chew a wasp than accept it. It took Stan to intervene, because Stan knows his children are far from perfect.

The "determinator" of the Carters' woe and what caused Mick's phoney facade and their sham of a pretend marriage to be exposed, was the fury that is Denise, telling them more than just a few home truths, which many viewers have perceived for some months. First, the exposure of Linda's lie and the fact that the Carters had known about Ian's activities for sometime, at her expense. Denise took the moral knife, shoved it into Linda's psyche and twisted it onto Mick. She could live with Mick's lie, but Linda was supposed to be her friend. The final question she articulated was one with which Linda has been wrestling for sometime and which Nancy discovered, to Mick's detriment yesterday.

Mick hardly knew Ian, yet he chose to lie for him and put his family second, to Ian's pathetic needs. Is it a man thing? Or does Mick just not respect women in general - other than Shirley?

Ian's dumped, and Mick's dumped. After more than twenty years, the pennys beginning to drop for Linda. And Dean's face, at Denise's "happy family facade" remark was an absolute picture.

Peter Prick-Pratt. Let's give him a double-barrelled name, because he so aspires to middle-class pretensions. Lola is the other painfully honest character to whom I referred earlier, and she's treated like dogshit in this instance. Dean disdains her, and who is he? Another weak creep with mommy issues, who's obsessed with his uncle/brother's wife. He's using a besotted young girl, whom TPTB have recreated as a self-perpetuating virgin, to assauge his sexual needs. His reluctant offer to Lola of an apprenticeship came with the caveat that she will only do the scut jobs in his state-of-the-art salon. Peter, however, is ready to shit on her from a great height. After one stolen kiss with an attempted murderer and recovering alcoholic, the niece of an addict and a prostitute, he's in love, but not with Lola. 

The way he treated her was callous,cowardly and cruel. What was worse was he attempted to justify his actions by saying that he "loved" Lauren, that she understood him, when what he really meant was what Lola articulated - that he never thought she was good enough for him, that Lola knew that the moment he tried to get her to go to college instead of encouraging her in a career which she enjoyed. She should have added that he pursued her and he instigated the relationship, and still he has the gall to want to see Lexi. She may be his cousin, but Lexi is Lola's daughter. Who would want their child to be associated with a snobby, little toerag, who fancies himself?

As for TPTB's latest attempt to pair Jacqueline Jossa with another actor with whom she, again, has no chemistry, stop it. I can't invest in Lauren. She's so entitled and unlikeable, I'm almost glad she's riding blindly for a fall with Dean. Peter's pledge to wait for as long as possible for her was neither poignant nor admirable. It was wooden and pathetic. Lauren isn't fit to wipe Lola's stiletto heels. At least Lola is aspiring to something, and not mooching about like Lauren and Deadbeat Beale.

Oh, and Peter, wipe that condescending look of disdain at your father's behaviour.The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and before you get a leg over Lauren, insist that she goes to the local STD clinic.

Cora and Rainie. The best scenes of the night with the show's two best actresses. Good continuity, in remembering that Rainie was, indeed, the more intelligent of the two Cross sisters. She was Abi to Tanya's Lauren, and it was Tanya, who introduced the introverted and shy Rainie to sex, drugs and rock'n roll. (They grew up with the drink).

Rainie so desperately wants to get out of her addiction, she was - honestly - willing to work in the launderette, and even to take religious counselling with Dot, at Cora's suggestion. At least, Cora recognised that Rainie gained something from that, and they way Rainie's face lit up, she wanted that too. 

But Rainie is an addict, and Cora's first mistake was leaving her purse in the flat with Rainie, who was in desperate need of a fix.

Mitchell and Franks showed the rest of the cast, especially those hired for decoration, what honest and raw acting was liked. Beautiful scenes, filled with despair and pathos. I wanted to cry when Cora returned to find Rainie, and the contents of her purse, gone.

Best episode in a long while. Glad the main Carter misogynist is being exposed for the petty, little man that he is. He is his mother's son. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Another Fine Week Not - Review:- 18.08-22.08.2014


Let's not put too fine a point on it. This week sucked. It sucked so much and so bad that, had this been a week of Newman or Kirkwood episodes, people would be complaining of the horrific nature of it all.

Look, I know it's August, and most people are on holiday, so the form is for most soaps to tread water with lower viewer figures until September crops up and the nights start drawing in ... but guess what? The nights are drawing in, the weather's turned, and September is next week. Already, people are getting bored with the murder storyline. People remember that no one, least of all, the viewers liked Lucy Beale. The only thing this storyline has done is convince people what assholes Ian and Peter are.

As far as any of  the so-called supplementary storylines are concerned - you know, the ones that were meant to hold our interests until the Lucy thing hits full throttle ... like, whenever, well, the Charlie Cotton mystery is proving confusing and, at the moment, is acting as yet another long hello for Nick. And everything else, from Ian's liaison with Rainie Cross to Sharon's purported "big" storyline, has been taken over by Carters.

It took less than a year for the viewing public to suss that the Carters were simply a meaner version of the Brannings in disguise. Where the Brannings slept with each other, the Carters thrive on secrets and lies.

And family dinners.

Which brings me to something that concerns me greatly. Along with the usual problems this show has faced and is still facing, unabated, since 2007 in earnest, the bullyboi element has slithered from the woodwork.

These types range in age from 16 to 24 and are veritable Little Princes. Led to believe in a maturity they lack, they are arrogant to challenge others who have more life experience. This week, the culprits took umbrage at my mentioning of how far the show is catering to Millennials, in pushing such characters as Peter, Whitney, Lauren and Lee to the fore.

Yes, Millennials are those annoyingly shallow twentysomethings (and younger) who genuinely believe that anything which happened before their birth is unimportant and, therefore, can be disregarded - or, in the case of continuous fiction, changed to suit the storyline. The very fact that the bullybois were upset with this observation revealed them to be apt Millennials, themselves. One was even proud to take on the mantle - I wonder how proud he'll be in whatever profession he follows for his utter ignorance and arrogance to be revealed.

This led to an accusation of my being ageist. Not at all. Ageism is when you and your cronies assume that everyone who watches Coronation Street and Emmerdale is - in your words - old. When the tide is turned on you, for your ignorance, your shallowness, your preponderance for prolonging childhood well into adulthood, it isn't ageist. It shows how spoiled you are.

The worst part of this preposterous lack of critical thinking came from one of the bullybois, with a fetish for Liam Butcher, when he accused me of advocating slavery. I'll explain more about that piece of nonsense in the episode review, which happened to be the Monday episode.

Monday 18.08.2014 - We Are (Not) Family: Another Branning Beanfest


The central focus of Monday's episode was yet another Branning beanfest. They use any excuse imaginable to sit down, have a meal and then have a bust-up about it. The reason behind this debacle was Abi's exam results, which meant she was going away to Liverpool to study veterinary science.

Or did it?

Abi, as we know, didn't get the results she needed, but - as you do - she lied about it, to all and sundry, necessitating Max celebrating the first Branning ever to go to uni. Turns out she's going to Bolton, to study animal biology, which is a backdoor way of entering the veterinary profession. But that's not her only secret - the other one is that Jay, an apprentice passive-aggressive bully, intends to accompany her to uni.

Abi, needless to say, is horrified. Abi's intended all her life to go to university and has some sort of idea of what it's like - as in, it's not an extension of secondary school. It's an education in every sense of the word - living in halls the first year, getting to know people from all over the country, getting involved with courses and campus life. It doesn't mean coming home to a rancid flat and settling down in front of the telly with Jay after doing his meal.

The other source of tension at the meal - a family meal which included Max, his daughters, Carol and Dot, was Dot's invitation to Charlie.

A word about Max and Jay. Regarding Charlie, I was a bit Team Max in this instance. Max invited Dot to the dinner, as Abi's grandmother and Max's stepmother. He emphasised that this was a family occasion. Max doesn't know Charlie, but Max is very touchy about his position in the family, especially since Dot seems to have inherited Jim's assessment of Max as a son. Still, at least Max never tried to poison Jim, and Dot should take off the blinkers and realise that Max's daughter tried to kill him for no real reason at all. Of course, Max felt more than a bit put out by the fact a Carol appears in a late-model Beemer, along with Dot, both of whom have been to visit Jim, courtesy of Charlie. It didn't help with Dot prissily pointing out that she'd tried again and again to get Max to visit Jim. It was still out of order for her to have included Charlie in the invitation, when the meal was at Max's house, made by Max and at Max's invitation.

I couldn't figure out Carol in that instance. When she last confronted Charlie, she indicated that she was onto his scam, whatever it was, and until the last dialogue exchange between them, I thought she'd been snookered by him as well, but something about the way she assured him at the end that she and he were "still good" led me to believe that Carol was watching Charlie like a witch - keeping her friends close and her enemies closer. Max's animosities and suspicions are more open, and when Max's securities are threatened, he gets verbally aggressive.

Dot was wrong as well in remarking that Max had brought shame to Jim's family. Shame is something that found a regular place at the bosom of Jim's family - the problem is that none of Jim's children recognise the concept of shame: Carol with four children by four different men, Jack impregnating two sisters and their cousin, Derek in prison and involved in petty crime. Yep, Max can't keep it in his trousers - his first two wives were married because they were pregnant, and he left the first for the second. He slept with the girl who had been his son's fiancée and who went onto marry him, but Jack slept with Tanya as well (and Rainie). Does Dot know, I wonder, that Jim was behind the trick of nailing his son in a coffin for a night to "cure" him of his friendship with a black child?

As for Jay, he was just as bad and presumptive as Max. At first, I thought it was brilliant that he stepped up and encouraged Abi to find another place at another uni rather than continue the preposterous lie about Liverpool. She got into Bolton to study animal biology, which does offer another route to a veterinary career. But Jay isn't doing this for Abi, he's doing this on the condition that he come with her; it's a means of escape for him, and he takes it upon himself to become the voice of Abi at the table - a bit incongruous, since all the time he kept asking if Abi were planning on telling the people around the table the truth, he kept speaking in her place.

Abi's final comment was the very epitome of Millennial self-absorption. When Max objected to Jay informing everyone that he was going to Bolton with her, Abi informed Max that this was her life and nothing to do with him. 

Really, Abi? Who's going to contribute to your tuition and your upkeep in however long it takes you to get your Animal Biology degree? Not Jay, I can assure you.


It was this incident which led to the Liam Lover bullyboi accusing me of advocating slavery. What? Yes, go figure. Because Max silenced Jay's assertion and reminded him that he, Max, was Abi's father and that the last thing she needed was Jay traipsing off after her and because Abi got into the usual huff and said that Max had nothing to do with her life, this led to the Millennials being upset at my interpretation of this event.

First, the Branning girls are the very epitome of spoiled entitlement. They have, on occasion, even exiled their father from his home and from the very Square, forbidding him to come near them, but what happens? Usually, there's a crisis - Tanya's cancer cold, for example - and dear old Dad is needed to hold down the fort. Otherwise, dear old Dad is needed to pay the bills, which neither Abi nor Lauren is equipped to do.

For Abi to say that Max has nothing to do with her life means she will declare herself independent of his support and apply for any and all kinds of student loans and get herself up to her fat arse in debt for the first ten or fifteen years of her professional life. Because Jay won't have the wherewithal to pay those fees back.

Mr LiamLover took offense at my defence of Max imposing his will on what Abi could and could not do. That isn't Max using Abi as a slave, that's Max being a parent, and LiamLover wants to do a serious, in-depth study of what slavery is and what it entails before he takes the moral high ground with me, accusing me of advocating slavery. Is Abi held at the Branning house against her will? No. Is she forced to work from dawn to dusk, starved, forbidden contact with the outside world and forbidden education? No. Is she kept in chains? No.

She's simply asked to abide by the rules Max determines if she's going to live under a roof which he owns and she doesn't. Both of those girls are over sixteen. Max can kick their arses out if he wanted. He doesn't. He could also ask them to contribute funds in the form of rent or room and board, for the family housekeeping. That's not unreasonable, but he doesn't ask that. Shit, as hard up as Bianca is, she doesn't require that of Whitney. Maybe she should.

The simple fact of the matter is that when you live, rent-free, in accommodation provided for you by your parents or anyone else, you adhere to the rules they specify. In fact, when you rent from a landlord, you do the same - otherwise, you get thrown out. That's not slavery, Mr LiamLover, that's common sense and decency.

The final image of Max left alone at the Branning table, toasting himself, was priceless. Still, two Brannings are onto Charlie's deception.


Tuesday 19.08.2014 - Frets


This was a Daran Little episode, and that surprised me, because it seriously wasn't good, and Little is just about the best there is writing for EastEnders at the moment. Because it was so bad,I genuinely couldn't remember what happened, so I had to watch the episode again.

It was about a lot of "frets." That doesn't mean it was about Jay suddenly getting the idea of being a sidewalk busker and shopping for a guitar. It doesn't mean someone's about to worry over a particular situation, as in "fretting" over something, although it could mean just that, the way Abi is fretting over going to Bolton or Bianca is fretting over Whitney seeing Lee or Max is fretting over Charlie Cotton or the way I'm fretting over the fact that EastEnders seems to have lost its way again.

Nope, it's "fret" as in "threat" and line of the night goes to Lee Carter who challenged Bianca's t-h-r-r-r-e-a-t to do him harm if he hurt Whitney with the repost:-

Izzat a fret?

The tension in the tale was twofold and concerned mostly Patrick's situation in relation to Ian's
fear of Patrick exposing Ian as a kerb-crawler to Denise, thus revealing his infidelity with Rainie Cross. The rest of the tension was provided by Max's suspicions of Charlie Cotton.

First, Patrick's situation.

Rudolph Walker is playing a blinder in this situation, without uttering a word. His facial expressions are so eloquent, that it's easy to feel Denise's dilemma as almost palpable. 

It's true. Patrick has no one, and the other hero of the piece is Masood, who's vocal tones spoke volumes regarding the contempt in which he holds, not Ian, but Anthony, Patrick's son, assessing that Anthony's cheque for two grand he wrote is the value he puts on his father's life. Masood understands Denise and what she's going through, and why is it that I see a Masood-Denise relationship on the horizon?

Denise refuses to be swayed by Ian's arguments, which have the prima facie appearance of being concerned about Denise and how she would fare as Patrick's carer, but it's Dot again  - and Dot was being surreptitiously presented as someone presuming bad judgement as good in this episode - who manages to convince Denise that Ian's way is the best way.

Dot was at her hypocritical, unlikeable best in this episode, meaning she was immensely pukeworthy. She's an elderly woman who played the martyr in looking after her stroke-ridden husband, whom we're supposed to believe she visits every day. Dot is quick to quell any notion of Denise taking care of Patrick.

You'll die before he will,and that's something you don't want to hear.

I thought her manner pithy and abrupt with Denise. It almost seemed that she was apprising that what was good enough for Jim to suffer, so should Patrick.

She was in the same sort of judgemental mode with Max, who's suspicious of Charlie, seeming to horn his way into the Branning family, uninvited. Dot's vision of Max is clouded by Jim's disdain for him, and she doesn't stint in calling him out on what she refers to as his "sordid affairs." With bad grace, she accepted his apology, without acknowledging her own presumption in bringing along someone to a family dinner who had no invitation and nothing to do with Abi or Max at all.

Still, Max is the second Branning family member to suss that something is not quite right about Charlie, and Charlie feels it as well. However, he's got a trump card, seeing Max's intimate little conversation with Stella Crawford Emma Summerhayes, easily the flakiest and most inane copper the show has ever had. What a shame Jack isn't around to suss Charlie's claims also. Instead, we have Emma, how did a background check on Charlie, only to find that he isn't what he says he is all along.

The other vignette presented a horror spectacle - the first mention of Ryan Malloy.



Thursday 21.08.2014 - The First FacePalm Episode



Daran must have had a bad week when he wrote Tuesday's and Thursday's episodes. Just some observations, amongst the obvious face palm moments.

1. Lola



... is one of the most honest and sincere characters on the show, and it amazes me that the collective likes of Peter, Dean and Lauren look down their noses at her. Who are they? A moocher and a deadbeat, a wimp who went to prison for trying to frame an innocent man and an attempted murderer who slept with her cousin. Lola was brought up in care, the daughter of a known thief. Peter's father is a serial monogamist who treats his wives like skivvies and has a penchant for prostitutes. Dean doesn't know who his father is, and his mother is a functioning alcoholic who abandoned him as a baby. Lauren's mother, grandmother and aunt are alcoholics and/or drug addicts; her aunt is a prostitute; her father is a serial adulterer, and her family is basically scrubbed-up trailer trash. Yet Lola offends Peter's effete middle-class sensibilities, she's too common to work in Dean's trendy upmarket salon, and he takes pleasure in telling her. And Lauren barely acknowledges her. She wasn't offended by the way Dean spoke to Lola; that was all about the way he spoke to Peter. Peter is using Lola as a means of spying on Lauren and her new-found boyfriend, Dean. Dean is using silly Lauren as a means of attempting to make Linda jealous, and that sucks too. Lauren is silly enough to think that a man closer in age to 30 to Lauren's naive barely twenty, is seriously interested in her enough to want to date her after "getting the milk for free." He even reiterated as much to her.

2. Lauren and Whitney



...were the very epitome of self-obsessed shallowness, in that brilliantly contrived scene when they sat, side-by-side, at the Branning kitchen table, talking at each other. Lauren is supposed to be Whitney's friend, but she was nothing but smug in the way she prissily went on about her "date" with Dean, who - in case Whitney didn't realise - was seriously "fit." Whitney could only give a choked assessment of Lee's fitness and remark about how afraid she was of continuing this relationship.

3. Whitney and Lee in a farcical scene.

Whitney: You've been in the army. You've had thousands of girls. I don't wanna be just another girl.
Lee: I want what my parents have. I wanna get married young and have kids.
Whitney (euphemistically): Oh, all right then, let's go to bed.


Whitney said Lee "dumped" her for Lucy. Sorry? I thought it went like this: Lee met Lucy and slept with her the same day. Lucy binned him, saying she was seeing someone else, Lee flirted with Whitney, Lucy saw him snog her and showed friendly again. Lee slept with her, and the rest is history. He kissed Whitney. They were never an item, and the ease with which Lee transferred his suddenly deep affections he felt for Lucy to Whitney makes me suspicious of Lee's emotional maturity.


The fact that Lee is ready to settle down with whatever girl happens to pass his way and catch his fancy also tells me how mature emotionally he is. He knew Lucy less than a week, yet he slept with her twice. He knew nothing of her background, her family, the events in her past which made her turn out the way she was, and yet, had she lived, he'd have been giving this dialogue to her. Instead, he's telling Whitney, a girl about whom he still knows nothing except that she was at one time a prostitute.

The Carters really are children who begat children.

4. Emma Summerhayes


is seriously dumb. Flakey and dumb. Charlie is a confident enough liar to suss her naivete and take advantage of her Achilles heel - the fact that she's bonking Max, who is (as she parrotted repeatedly) a suspect in a murder investigation. She is the next Stella Crawford. Now Charlie knows her sordid little secret, and so does Jay. And surely if Charlie were "special ops" and they're so ingrained in secret police activity, he wouldn't be revealing that piece of information to a detective constable on "normal duties".

5. So Charlie's a caretaker (specialist bog cleaner) in a care home for the elderly. He complains about a low wage, which is accurate because care workers do get pitiable wages. Yet he swans about in a late model Beemer. How, precisely? Oh, and he's a thief.

This was the biggest twist in a tale which I think has a lot to do with Lucy's murder.

6. Upswing? Nick is back and watching from afar. Downswing? It would also appear that "Simon Parker" (otherwise known as Ryan Malloy) may be on the way back to Walford also, judging by Whitney's social media message. Puke. 

Friday  22.08.2014 - The Second FacePalm Episode



Yet more of the same Newmanesque shite. People wonder why the young people are disliked so much in this programme. Friday's episode offered plenty of examples why.

1. Whitney, Lauren and Peter. Go. Go now. I know Lauren is leaving. I just hope the actress takes to motherhood like a duck to water and retires gracefully. This week was a perfect example of why whoever goes onto be a future Executive Producer should never ever ever ever move either Whitney or Lauren front and centre of the programme.

I've had my fill of Lauren's funny voices, off-kilter delivery and windmill arm movements, all of which were on display tonight. Both Jossa and McGarty are lazy actresses, and McGarty's delivery is smug and mumbling. Maybe I'm in a minority, but I was more interested in Whitney's lethal acrylic nails than anything she might have to say.

Quite frankly, I'm not interested in the slightest in the silly romances concerning these people, and someone is thinking they're mighty clever thinking up complicated scenarios like this surrounding them, when the storylines aren't complicated, just silly and boring.

Lola likes Peter likes Lauren likes Dean. We all know Dean's modus operandi,but Lauren doesn't. She's filled with the notion that Dean, an older man and an entrepreneur, would think her worthy of a serious relationship. Peter the Moocher and Deadbeat was in full Tim-Nice-but-Dim mode tonight, especially in the restaurant scene. Looking after the family business is a chore to Peter as if flipping burgers is so beneath him, and he doesn't have the common sense to know that when two people are dining and there are several tables for two and one seating four, you don't seat two people at a table for four. The whole dynamic between him and Lauren was just puerile in the extreme, especially the ketchup scene.

Surely, those naff teeshirts are kept, in bulk, at the restaurant. It would have been far more sensible for Lauren to have gone into the ladies and changed her teeshirt to a clean one. Instead, she stomps off in high dudgeon, after promising Ian to work and help people out. This is what I mean when I say her character is the epitome of Millenial entitlement!

How many of us who work can afford to storm off in a self-righteous huff when something doesn't go our way at the workplace? Well, Lauren can. And who the hell would want to dine at Beales, after listening to Lauren snipe at Peter like a fishwife?

The hilarious part of this vignette was Lauren's obvious conceit with regard to what she thinks Dean thinks of her (hint: she thinks he thinks a lot of her, whereas for Dean, she's a warm body and a recepticle of the seed he'd rather be planting in his Auntie Linda). I loved it when Dean disabused her of the notion that he was giving Lola a trial because of Lauren. He wanted to see for himself how good Lola was, and he handed Lauren her arse about her own propensity to judge others.

Peter the Moocher and Deadbeat continues to be self-serving snob and an all-around jerk. The disdainful way he remarked about the work in the restaurant being simply "flipping burgers" (followed by his inability to unlock the restaurant door) was awfully condescending. And who was on the fruit and veg stall, pray tell? The income from all these working-class fixtures - a greasy spoon cafe, a burger joint, a fruit and veg stall, a chippie -will pay for the sort of middle-class lifestyle which Peter snobbily affects.

Whitney is doing what she does best - making decisions and judgements to which she isn't entitled. On Bianca's expert assessment that Stacey won't be released from prison anytime soon, Whitney contacts "Simon Parker" on her social media page - Simon, being none other than that wet, drip murderer of a brother of hers. (God, I hated the way she whispered, "He's on the run.") I hope he's on the run from the wrath of Janine.

Whitney has put a picture of Lily on her social media page. Really, Whitney? You had no right to do that, without the permission of either Lily's mother or the people acting in loco parentis, who are the Moons. Anticipating Stacey's long incarceration, Whitney reckons that Lily needs her father - both of her parents being murderers - and so she contacts Ryan.

What an arrogant, little self-righteous gobshite! This is not Whitney's call to make. Stacey entrusted Lily's custody, first to Jean and then to Alfie and Kat - not to Whitney, and for obvious reasons. The only rights Ryan has to Lily are the rights which Stacey affords him. Whatever Whitney thinks has nothing to do with what Stacey wants, and when Stacey returns, I hope she beats Whitney's arse for her arrogance, and I guess that means we are going to see one of the drippiest male leads since the Moon Goons and Callum Monks. I've just realised that DTC's last tenure not only gave us Ryan the Wet, but also Callum Monks and Danny Mitchell. Please tell me we can't expect to see a hattrick of jerks?

The fact that such a loser character as Ryan Malloy got so many mentions this week can only mean one thing - that a return is imminent. I get the fact that Ryan was supposed to be what Sean and Dennis were, but wasn't. He was a wimp and a wet. A pisspoor sex symbol who brought out the worst in Janine and absolutely destroyed any vestige of character Stacey had left. Besides all that, he's played by a meh actor who lacks the appeal of a lost puppy. Neil McDermott is doomed to walk in the shadow of more capable actors - taking up the limp noodle reins left by a blazing Robert Kazinsky, dumbing down Lord Farquaad in Shrek after the brilliant performance by Nigel Harman and wimping down Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice after the divine David Oakes.

When I think of the return of Neil McDermott and Ryan Malloy, I hear this ...



By the way, did I detect a spark between Dean and Lola?

2. The Ubiquitous Carter Scene. Line of the night goes to Linda about Whitney: 

She thinks Whitney's a sensible, down-to-earth, nice girl. Lee's face when she said that was an absolute picture. Who's going to tell Linda that Whitney is an ex-prostitute and a girl who has a reputation of binning nice blokes for the latest bad boy, who comes along? Other than that, what was the point of that shower of Linda inviting the exercise class who didn't show? The ubiquitous Carter scene, reminding us that they were still ... there.


3. Ian is still not a nice man. He isn't, and he has Patrick over the proverbial barrel. Ian thought on his feet, when he saw the fear and desperation in Patrick's eyes about going to a care home. He insinuated a brilliantly cruel piece of emotional blackmail by agreeing, in front of Patrick and Denise to Patrick being brought into their home for his care. Ian didn't have to say a word to Patrick. His look, over Denise's shoulder, was nothing short of a threat and a dare to Patrick to say anything, this reiterated after his assurance to Patrick that he "loved Denise to bits". (He doesn't. He loves her because she's the only woman standing who'll put up with his bad behaviour). He even invites Patrick to tell Denise everything (reverse psychology). Ian isn't doing this out of the goodness of his heart or out of concern for Denise and/or Patrick. He's doing it to protect his sordid little secret.

4. Surprise surprise. Just when we were wondering who kept phoning Phil, up pops Rainie, installed in none other than Heather's old flat, and Phil's been paying her rent. Remember that Phil and Rainie have all sorts of history. Does this mean that there'll be a total of three women lusting after Phil now?


5. The Talented Mr Cotton. The janitor who drives a top-of-the-range Beemer, pays off a stranger's £6k debt, and hands a serious wadge of cash to Les Coker. The plot thickens. Mrs Doyle was great in her part, but are we to believe that Nick has consistently returned to Yvonne, who was obviously his first wife, in between dalliances with Zoe, his second wife, and Sandy, his third?

Most interesting here was Nick's cryptic text to Charlie: 

What's going on here? Did Nick devise some sort of elaborate plot which would entail faking his death, only to have Charlie go maverick on him? Why? This cannot be a scam on Dot for money; she has none; and then there were those two calls Nick made to Dot when she was away, which Poppycock took. What were their significance? Has Nick been involved with this from the getgo, or has he only just found out?

One thing for certain, and that's the fact that Charlie is a psychopath, a seasoned liar and a thief, who's adept at covering his tracks and even psychologically manipulating his mother into enabling his behaviour. Interesting that Yvonne was desperate to keep Charlie with her, but in the end, Charlie returned to Dot. Pyschopaths obsess over certain people and things - Michael over Scarlett, Ronnie over Roxy, Dot's the Grandma Charlie's never known - a thirtysomething man so strongly attached to his new-found grandmother? Charlie's an opportunist, who sees Max (who is another person who's onto him) suspicious of him, and now he hopes to cleave close to Dot as a shield against the wrath and suspicions of Max and Carol.

We also saw how angry in a flash Charlie can get when crossed, as Yvonne pointed out tonight. So, is that the last we'll see of Yvonne? Has she gone? Will Nick find her? Is she even alive now, for I am still convinced that Charlie had something to do with Lucy's death?

Charlie Cotton is easily the most interesting character to come out of this year's storyline. He may not have been intended to be thus, but he is. I wouldn't want him to be a long-term character, and I would imagine that the truth would be out sometime between now and the 30th, which would - yes - devastate Dot, but I'm interested in seeing what Nick's part or non-part in this ruse is.

Oh, yes, Ian and Denise almost running into Charlie the Janitor ... contrived and expected.