This was a great episode, but for all the wrong reasons.
Fantasy Worlds and Branning Girls.
Well, the great teenaged angst-filled romance that was Jabi is no more. And why not? They were a couple of kids. This wasn't Romeo and Juliet, or even Tony and Maria. It was Jay and Abi. I realise a lot of people like Jay, but the Mitchell association brings out the worst in him. I know there are people who think that Jay and Abi are the real thing - and only in Walford do teenaged romances develop into dysfunctional adult relationships; there are those rooting for Jay and Lola, even though, recently, she's shown scant interest in Jay. There were some people even rooting for a Jay and Lucy association.
Sometimes, you gotta know when to hold'em and know when to fold'em, and tonight Jay folded.
I'm amazed that he held out with Abi this long. Remember that prior to focusing on Jay, Abi's biggest crush was Darren Miller. Go figure that one. From the get-go, when Abi was fifteen, Jay was two years older and out for some serious physical action. I was astounded at his sensitivity, waiting until she was absolutely sure she was ready for sex, but he did; he even turned down Lola when she offered it to him on a plate. Who can forget Abi gushing about their first night together to Lola, that bum-clinchingly embarrassing line:- What's there to tell, we made love!
But it can't be denied that both Branning girls are spoiled, demanding, and entitled little bee-yatches. They can snow job Lauren all they want. The fact remains that she should be doing time in Orange Is the New Black - for attempted murder, drunken driving and destruction of private property, assault and criminal damage. As well as an alcoholic and a home-wrecker and someone who's so blatantly self-obsessed, she never gets past the concept of "me, myself, I". Even her conversation with Whitney tonight about dumping Dean and calling Peter was all about Lauren. Everything usually is.
But before making lurve with Jay, Abi had that profoundly ugly scene with him during Branning week in November 2011, in which she demanded he hand over money to her so she could buy a pair of shoes Tanya was too distracted with her cancer cold to buy. Jay refused and walked away from her, leaving her in great consternation.
That was the last time he did.
During Kirkwood's and Newman's scant use of Jay, he became the emasculated appendage to Abi's growing ego. Who can forget her standing outside the Arches last summer demanding that Jay hand over money for her to give to Lauren, then demanding to be taken on holiday, with the threat of sexual favours being witheld.
I wouldn't have blamed Jay for doing a runner then. Abi inherited the worst part of Tanya's selfishness and snobbiness. She calls Lola a "chav?" Look at your family, sweetheart. You're sister and mother had both broken up marriages whilst they were still teenagers. Your mother, your sister, your aunt and your nan are all alcoholics. One of your uncles was a male slut. Your cousin stabbed a man and treated a decent lad like shit. Your own father can't keep it in his trousers, and Lola's a chav?
Worst of all is the way both girls have, in the past, blamed Max as the core of all their problems and made unreasonable demands of him - like telling him to leave Walford and never coming back, or having nothing to do with him (as in when he was married to Kirsty), only to come running with their hands out when money was needed.
I'm baffled by this break-up. I always felt that Jay was paying lip-service to Abi's ambition - cf: a few weeks ago, when Phil reckoned "this uni fing" would be sorted with a bouquet of flowers and some cheap chocolates. Jay never really thought Abi would go through with going to university. He even sought to steer her in the direction of the University of East London, and his response to her wanting to terminate a possible pregnancy in order to get a degree was to cheat on her, by kissing someone of his own life's sort of ambition, the local barmaid on holiday.
Since Christmas, Jay's been buzzing around Lola off and on, especially during the period where Peter was trying to play a dab hand at being a gauche Henry Higgins; but Jay's as bad as the other bully men on the Square. If he doesn't get his way or get a girl to do what he wants, he sulks. He was bound and determined until tonight, to go to Bolton with Abi, where he would live with her and get increasingly jealous of her university friends, associates and activities. Maybe Sal's mistaken remark and Ben's stirring caused Jay to realise that maybe he was interested in Lola or maybe he realised, to himself, that university would remove Abi from his world. Or maybe he realised she was taking him for a fool.
All in all, I thought he let her down gently, and there was some good dialogue in that scene on the playground - how appropos, because not only does Abi look like a mini, little girl version of Tanya, the ultimate man-dependent woman, she still acts childishly as well. But there were no snorts and giggles this time around.
I liked the almost poetic way Jay described their relationship - the way, after having lost his dad and being shunted around between various Mitchells, Abi felt like home; but now, she was embarking on another phase in her life, and the home had become a waiting room. He acknowledged, finally, that Abi would be moving amongst a new group of people, aiming for something entirely different to what he wanted. He even encouraged her to do well, but he responded to Abi's accusations of there being a "him and Lola" by saying there isn't a me and Lola ... not yet.
Because that last qualifying remark was all Abi heard.
She reacted, completely in character with what she is - a spoiled, vile and rotten little madam, who wanted to get away from Jay and anything reminding her of him as soon as possible - ne'mind, that it was late in the day; ne'mind, that Max was in the middle of making dinner - Abi had to go and go now! And if Max wouldn't take her, she'd damned well drive to Bolton, herself. In his Merc.
Wait ... does Abi even know how to drive? When did she learn? And Max just saunters back into the house after arguing with her? Has she even visited Bolton?
Of course, poor Tramp cops it. As a dog-lover, I found this upsetting, probably the most upsetting scene of the show. Of course, it means that Abi won't ever leave Walford now. We're stuck with her.
I know that this episode, and possibly seriously, the next are meant to establish "evil Abi." I suppose TPTB want her to enter the public's imagination as someone capable of killing Lucy, but I think this is more of a re-boot of her character in a new direction, probably, as the resident teenaged bitch.
Weak actress that Lorna Fitzgerald is, even weaker is Jacqueline Jossa. The funny voices were back tonight, and there was some gibberish between her and Whitney about Dean being fit and Peter still being referred to as a mate, before another member of the Clueless Club of Unlikeable Adolescent Girls showed up with evidence that Peter was leaving.
Steven the Outcast is back in New Zealand. Whoda thunk that? Peter was going to visit another psycho. Hmmmm ... Peter running out. Why? I actually had to stop and think, when it was mentioned that Peter was
How effing abysmal was Dexter tonight? Motormouth de luxe encouraging Cindy to open Peter's letter. Who isn't surprised that he used to troll his mother's post in just the same way in search of money. Maybe it's time he joined her, no doubt trolling the streets of Newcastle the way she did the Square when she was supposed to be teaching.
I mean, the Mitchells and the Carters - the old established family trading insults with the new upstarts, kicking around in the background, which started things off in the episode. The truth was out, and it was obvious that Shirley was deliberately trying to sabotoge, first the wedding, then any chance at happiness Phil and Sharon would have.
Kin is kin, but I was kind of more than amazed at the moral arbitre displayed by Johnny, Lee and Nancy Carter. For once NuNuBen was right. Shirley was an absolute bitch to do what she did. I like the Carters, generally, but they annoyed me tonight. Not only are they immensely childish, but amazingly self-obsessed. Nothing that happened at the reception bothered Tina, she was focused on Dean providing sperm for Tosh, in an attempt to get pregnant.
Tina is acting as though Dean and Tosh slept together, when he only provided her with a sample and a turkey baster. The real fear comes out later, when she apprises a screaming Shirley of the situation, and I must admit, Tina's confession to Shirley stirred her from her welter of self-pity and anger over Phil, demanding that Tina go find Tosh and do a pregnancy test. Why was she so panicking, so demanding? Because that behaviour only fuelled Tina's belief that the baby would then meld into a situation including Shirley Queen of Scrotes, Dean, Tosh and Scrote Jnr, leaving poor widdle Tina out in the cold.
Weird line of the night goes to Tina:-
Dean: You wanted a baby, didn't you?
Tina: I wanted a baby without a face or a name!
Please, Tina. DTC doesn't do horribly deformed.
Linda's worried about the reception and about Sharon, but only about how Shirley's behaviour has ruined both life for the bride and the reception, on the whole. How many times did we get I am the Matron of Honour, you know.
Yes, Linda, we know. I wonder if Hyacinthe Bouquet were like this before elocution lessons. And Mick, veering between frantically trying to play Mein Host whilst trying to deflect from the situation at hand, confronting the fact that his sister had just cost him an empty dance floor. (Please, Mick, stop using Cockney rhyming slang).
But the wonder of everything was how the Carters - Mick and the kids - still managed to tiptoe on eggshells around Shirley's fragile ego.
All right, Shirl?
You certainly pick your moments, Shirl.
We're out here waiting, Shirl.
When you wanna talk, Shirl.
We ain't goin' nowhere, Shirl.
It's Shirley who must be nurtured and protected, Shirley who needs comforting. Shirley wasn't invited to the reception, full stop, and she didn't need to go. Mick should have known better than to suggest she make an appearance, knowing how obsessed she is over Phil.
Finally, there's the a-hole known as Babe, another character I hate, loathe and despise, stirring the shit in Shirley's angry, booze-riddled mind. (Don't forget that Shirley had been drinking). Egging her on, telling her to make Phil suffer. Do what, precisely?
Dean was brilliant, however, at once sussing that Shirley had gone around to Phil's, that the gun wouldn't be under the sink anymore.
Nancy was right. Phil does look like a raw sausage.
The Eternal Triangle.
Neither Phil. Sharon nor Shirley came out of this smelling like roses. Oddly enough, the person I felt sorriest for was Denny. To him goes the real line of the night:-
Mum, why does this keep happening?
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings. Denny's seen his mother run away from one wedding, be dumped at another and humiliated at a third. Sharon should fit into the Mitchell dynamic really well. Like Ronnie and Roxy, she loves to do a runner when the going gets tough.
Phil Mitchell's character is going into another dimension now. Where Peggy couldn't dominate, Sharon seems to be the one who can. In a weird way, there was a shred of decencey which surfaced in Phil tonight. I know he was fighting for his credibility with Sharon, but I also know that he didn't refute what Shirley was saying, because maybe this was a way of bringing everything out into the open. It may have ended with Sharon leaving - and what a pithy thing to do, tearing up an airline ticket (oddly old-fashioned in this age of e-ticketing) for Phil, when he could easily have got another one issued.
Phil obviously wants to be with Sharon - that was made clear by the fact that he did as Sharon demanded - tell Shirley to her face what their liaision meant to him:- that it was wrong, and it made him feel sick, the way he felt when he was sick drunk, rotten inside. Was this true? Maybe. Maybe not. Phil's slept with Shirley enough to know for himself, but I honestly think this was the moment when he chose Sharon over Shirley, and one could almost feel sorry for Shirley tonight in her delusion.
Really, this has been a comedy of errors all around - Phil tries to scare Sharon, and she ends up being badly hurt; Phil thinks Sharon's deception is all about Dennis; Shirley thinks the gun means Sharon was going to kill him, if not because of Dennis, then because of the attack on The Albert. And Sharon is that insecure about whatever hold Shirley had over Phil, that she becomes a gibbering wreck in trying to explain the presence of the gun. Why? Well, didn't Phil believe Shirley when she categorically told him, without any proof, that Sharon hated him?
But Phil, throughout this, was dead calm. He knew where the gun came from and how Sharon got it. He also proved tonight, once and for all, that he knew Sharon - knew her better and preferred her to the likes of Shirley. When Shirley insisted that Sharon was going to kill Phil, he calmly replied that Sharon "didn't have it in her" to kill anyone. And he was right.
The ending to that scene was a bit muddled, with Phil and Sharon, having dispensed with Shirley, seeking to return to the wedding reception, and Shirley refusing to be cowed, insisting that Phil would come crawling back to her. Really, Shirl? I don't know why Sharon turned back, wanting to finish the situation once and for all. What was the point? Then there was the gun being waved about before a shot rang out. That last bit was probably the weakest bit of the episode.
Disappointment of the night: Seeing Sal summarily strong-armed out of the pub, before we got some of her famous home truths.
Who got shot? My guess is that lightning has struck twice.
Good episode - fantastic performances by Steve McFadden, Letitia Dean and Linda Henry.
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